daydiary of a stranger

when i can i will

yesterday night i talked with my brother for hours , it was intense talking about my past thinking about my life before depression seeing my life in rewind idk maybe i needed that conversation also i dont really talk with  anyone due the fact that ive been at home for one year dont have any ttype of human connection talking for hours like if myy life was normal again was beautiful. btw my brother is gonna leave tomorrow and i dont know for how long hes gonna stay out for his job but i alredy know that im gonna be more alone than ever , it scares me so much , the idea of being immerse in loneliness waiting for my life to be normal again , waiting ... i know that  have to be patience and achieve my goals but damn im so tired so fucking tired my will to live is below zero , future is like a ghost haunting everyplace of my mind im always asking to myself how im gonna be , if time is gonna be enough i dont even know im so tired .

i want to be loved 

i want a perfect body 

i want to be myself again 

i want to see te world again 

if i had the chance to say something to my father knowing that we never gonna talk to him i will probably say : 

you made of your knowledge your own personality , you never gave me what i needed , you never cared about me you just cared about the money that you had to gave me , always been greedy , always thinking that youre better than everyone in the world , but the truth is that you are deeply insecure , you need people to always feed your ego you need people to make you feel important , but you dont even know who you are ! this and probably more i will say o my dad , hes like scrooge hes a greedy motherfucker , he thinks that hes the wisest man in the world he thinks that hes always right but in fact hes just a traumatized child , hes never been a good husband for my mom hes never been a dad hes never been a man hes just a cold cold person who fake his personality who fake everything in front of others just to proof people that hes a good person . but he doesnt know probably that you can live life saving money not loving your son , being  a bitch but you gonna die anyway you not gonna take your money with you , once youre dead everything you did will become meaningless dad , just like you a little meaningless man .