i have this feeling of complete emptyness almost all the day , and i feel like if there's nothing that can help that , food is not gonna love me so i know that if i eat is just bc im trying to fullfill myself with something , even cigarettes they will suffocate my feeling for a moment but in some minutes im back at it , back at that feeling that i struggle to put into words but i would say that you feel a hole in your chest your thoughts starts suffocating you your stomach feel unreal and theres nothing NOTHING that can help you , i swear feels like dying . the constant doubt of who am i gonna be in the future kills me every day every night in every single minute of my day im thinking if im gonna become the person that i want to be , i feel like if im never doing enough i know what i want and its the only thing that is stopping me to kms .
4 month i give myself another 4 month then after that i can not wait anymore , 8 september 2024 is gonna be exactly 8 month since my healing journey started , feels weird that is everything about 8 . my goal weight is 38 nothing can stop me to reach that and i once i cared about the consequences NOW i dont !
my ed started when i was 13 sooo its been 7 years into that , when i wasw younger i used to be scared of him , i used to hate him i wanted to heal so i reached for help BUT i was USELESS nothing changed no one really cared about me , not even my parents they didnt notice a thing , so as i was saying i used to see him as a bad thing , but now after 7 years i know its a part of me e ate me e ate my emotion he ate my will to live he ate me every single cell of me its him , thers no way i can heal , so im just gonna embrace it and beacome a walking skeleton , i dont fucking CARE anymore about my health .
bc you know whats worst than death ? living a meaningless long eternal infinte life as a toy who become what the ppl want him to be , the society wants me healty , the society wants me in a 40 hours a week job , the society wants me to be a woke , but FUCK YOU ALL ID RATHER DIE THAT SPENDING MY LIFE PAYING BILLS RENT AND MY FOOD i really dont get how the human beings got to the point where they just do the same fucking thing everyday for all LIFE , stuck in a loop that will end with death , so whats the point of that ? there isnt fuckk
i want to live free be my fucking self again i want to live for myself and not to pay bills , sometimes i look at mom and dad how the fuck they did it to 50? living a life for your job thats nuts lol . now bye i said enough
peace and love from your fav depressed yapper <3
YOU ARE READING
daydiary of a stranger
Poetrynot reallly a story i just feel the urge to write my feeling , it might help someone .
