Clandestine | 18+

11~Hidden Truths

R U Mine?- Arctic Monkeys
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"Run but never forget that others can see too."

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Life. Such a simple word, one everyone knows and has. A word that no one knows how to cherish or realise how lucky they are to even be able to spell that word, to move their mouth, to know a language, to speak, to live. A word so simple in theory but so complex as a whole.

Life. Without life, there is nothing. There would only be an infinity of planets, moving around their own axis with nothing inside. Empty. Lonely.

For eternity.

Like humans are without love.

But I guess it's too bittersweet, the fact that to live, you have to love. To hate. To lust. But to love, you have to fall. Fall on your knees, your hands, your soul, your mind, your heart. You have to let yourself free, with no walls, with no barriers.

You have to be you.

I guess I may have thought I was in love, but I don't think I actually were. I think it was my fucked-up way or trying to be normal, to not hold a knife and see blood, to touch someone's hand and act. It was my way of getting rid of reality, getting rid of my thoughts. Getting rid of that one part of me that separated me from others, made me different. Made me a walking taboo.

I understood later on, that I have never known what love is. I have always known to act, to hide my true self under layers no one has seen.

I guess my mother's death affected both me and my dad in ways we never realized growing apart.

I acted to live meanwhile he hid. He hid in his office, spending hours reading each and every one of his documents with his glasses low on his nose bridge, a hand under his chin, his eyes focused and the muscles he used to have slowly fading away like the memories of a full house.

I remember walking through the corridors, my steps echoing with every step but instead of running to them like I always did, I walked, forcing my feet to stop in front of a closed door which used to always be open.

I knocked on the door instead of just opening it with a smile and instead of that little girl with ponytails on each side was a grown woman with her hair long and straight which reached the middle of her back. And instead of a happy father opening the door welcoming his daughter was a father who was welcoming a woman.

A woman he shared memories with. A woman he used to love.

A woman who once had the pleasure in enjoying the title of being his own daughter.

"Hello, Estelle." My dad opened his office door, his features more calm than I have ever seen since a long time ago.

His pale green eyes, his tanned skin, high cheeks and medium sized lips never made me forget how handsome he used to be and still is. Never made me forget the reason why my mother was attracted to him. Even in his late 50s, his skin didn't show any sign of wrinkle except when he furrowed his brows. His physique was coming back to him, like he was more calm the moment he gave me up to an other family.

"Hello, may I come in?" I asked my father as he nodded the same way someone who has no connection to me would. I walked inside not the same way I used to, I didn't run or enter without asking, I didn't laugh or cry. I stood emotionless as he walked inside and sat behind a chair as I sat in front of a desk with him behind.

"So what do I own this pleasure to?" He questioned me getting rid of his glasses and placing them on the table.

"We didn't really have a discussion about this... arrangement." I started talking and checking my nails as I waited for an answer.