The Six Types of Love

AYUSH

"I'm sorry I drove away that night Ayush. I'm so sorry. My life paused the moment I left and seeing you today was the first time it felt like I pressed play after twelve years. I was a dead man walking around waiting for you to come barging back into my life like you did so many times," Si confesses.

"I didn't realize what being alive meant until you left me Silas. I gave you all of me and you couldn't even—"

"Please, Ayush."

I take in a breath to say something, then stop, realizing this was what I had wanted so desperately all those years ago, not knowing if I wanted it anymore. I think back to how much I cried over Si even after I left The Six Types of Love behind. Every word I typed felt like writing a love letter begging him to come back. I wrote my first book to help me move on from Si and hurt him by exposing all the things he did to me. However, I never thought the story would last this long. I finally know where I stood with Si all those years ago and the consequences of The Six Types of Love being based on a true story can no longer haunt me. Furthermore, Silas finally got the romance he always wanted and can now hopefully live his life with no regrets. All our loose ends from high school tied themselves up. I'm glad that our tale is finally coming to an end, even if it's not the end we want.

My mind rushes back to the years I spent trying to convince my friends that Si had loved me, the time it took me to get over the anxious tendencies I learned from him, how leaving him behind was the final step in me becoming secure in my relationships, and the ways all my friends showed me what real love and friendship truly is after he left. All the effort I put into myself and the lessons my friends taught me mean nothing, if the moment Si comes back into my life, I choose him over the people who actually care about me and won't leave my side at the drop of a hat as he had. I am doing this for all my friends and family who stood by me and helped me heal when Si cut me off. I have to respect the time all of us put into me finally learning to define myself by my traits and not by how much other people loved me.

"Silas. I love you, but I need you to leave," I let out and it's the best feeling in the world.

"You told me you loved me," He chokes up.

"You can love someone and still not want to spend your entire life with them," I take a deep breath, "Goodbye Silas."

I put my hands on the sides of his face and bring him closer to me so that I can kiss the top of his head while he starts to cry. We stay like that, and I give us that much. We didn't get to say goodbye last time, but this time I want everything to end differently.

I understand why he's crying. Twelve years ago, I was too. When we were younger, for Si, losing me meant losing the deepest desires he never let himself truly feel. Now, leaving this relationship behind meant annexing the part of his psyche that had defined his life. He would have to learn how to be whole again without a desire for me. After the last four days, I finally understood why Si didn't tell me loved me and how it affected his entire world. He carried forward the regret of losing me into every relationship he was a part of after, letting himself be defined by flaws that he could have easily grown out of if he stopped seeing himself as the victim. Si convinced himself that the faults I wrote about him were irredeemable, that he could never change, and it destroyed and defined his life in the same way our relationship destroyed and defined mine.

If I let Si back into my life, our toxic cycles will begin again. I will beg him to change, and he will stay just the same. For his sake and mine, I need to put an end to this, even if it means permanently leaving this relationship in the past.

"I'm sorry," Si says pulling himself together, sniffling his nose, and leaving my embrace for the last time. Tears are streaming down his face, but he doesn't stop to wipe them.

"I'll give you a second to get your things," I get off the bed and leave the room giving him his privacy. A tear escapes my eye, but I wipe it away before it can drop too far. Si opens the door behind me a few moments later.

I walk down the stairs, hearing reluctant footsteps following behind mine. A car, that I assume is for Si, pulls up outside. I open the main door and step into the crisp, morning, fall air. There are white clouds interspersed throughout the sky and the wind is too chilly for the thin shirt and shorts that I'm wearing. The taxi is in the same spot that Si's car was that night. I turn around to see him in the green shirt that he was wearing yesterday.

"Goodbye, Silas."

"Can I hug you?" He asks. I nod. He embraces me and it feels just like the last time we had our "final hug", except, this time both of us know it's truly over. Si wraps his arms around me tightly, and I know that I won't miss the feeling of his body this close to mine again.

"Goodbye Ayush. I love you."

"I love you too," I profess as I break away from the hug.

Si gives me one last longing look before he walks toward the future waiting for us both. I see him walk down my driveway and get into his car. I wait till I can't see him before I go back inside. Everyone is laughing as I walk back into the living room. My friends see me, and I tell them it's over, that I feel free, but that I don't want to talk about it. They acquiesce. I finally got the closure that I had worked for years to not need, so that made it all the sweeter.

In the time it took me to end my weeklong fling with Si, my parents have woken up. I hug them good morning and tell them what happened. Muma hugs me and her eyes betray her relief that Si is gone.

"Love you," I effuse.

"Love you," My parents respond at the same time.

After I get my bearings, my parents, friends, and I all work together to make a brunch. Everyone tells me they are at least staying for a few more days too. We make plans to go to Kings Island, Jungle Jim's, The Zoo, and TopGolf. Everything feels like home. Everything feels normal. Everything feels right.