Something within me unlocks, folds in on itself. The question that had defined my high school life had finally been answered. The sleepless nights spent anxiously hoping for this confession and all the meetings with Si where I hoped he would lean in to kiss me meant something now. I was right. I was right. The final piece in the puzzle had clicked. I have to call Shreya and tell her. I want to tell everyone that I was right. Silas Wright did love me all those years ago and he still does.
"I know you inside out Si. I knew--know. I knew it from the moment you came out of the elevator in New York; I knew it when you still hung out with me even though it was so obvious that I still liked you; and I knew it whenever you tried to protect me from myself and the world. I know Silas. I know," I tell him, aware that acknowledging his feelings is all that I have the power to do because I don't know whether I still love him yet.
Si and I sit on the bench and watch the sunset. One of us loving the other and the other unsure just like the last time. All those years ago when we had been together back in Cincinnati, watching the same sunset, I was so insecure, so attached. I needed Si to breathe, to live; he was the only person keeping me sane. Si helped me grow into who I am today, cured my anxiety, and fed my confidence. He was always there for me no matter what. He was my other half, and it took years to learn how to feel whole without him.
But once I did, there was no turning back. That's the thing about someone who is the catalyst for growth. The final step in that process, as tragic as it is, is leaving that person behind. To truly leave my old self in the past, I had leave Si with it. I could never be the person I am today had Si worked up the courage to tell me he loved me. My college years would have been defined by him. I would have kept my insecure attachment style and wouldn't have the friends I do today.
I know that if I let Si back into my life, there is a chance I become that old, despicable Ayush again. Am I ready to leave all that growth behind? Even being with Si right now feels like betraying the version of myself who worked so hard to stop defining myself as Silas Wright's ex-best friend and instead as Ayush Khanna.
"Was I right about why you didn't tell me you love me too?" I ask, my thoughts getting too much for me to handle.
YOU ARE READING
The Six Types of Love
Teen Fiction"I'm sorry I drove away that night Ayush. I'm so sorry. My life paused the moment I left and seeing you today was the first time it felt like I pressed play after twelve years. I was a dead man walking around waiting for you to come barging back lik...
