The Six Types of Love

SILAS

"Yes," I confess sadly. I had let my fears of Ayush's differences get in the way of our lives. The fact that he knew scared me. He was like nothing I was used to. He could walk into a room and heads would turn, some because they loved him and others because they hated him. Ayush was a genius but arrogant, spent money and talked about it. He was always so much, and I was always not enough. At my Eagle Scout Ceremony and graduation party, the only times he had been with my friends and family, Ayush thought he was out of place, but that wasn't even the half of it. I ask him if he remembers.

"Yes. Why?"

"At my Eagle Scout Ceremony, I know that you felt like the odd one out. You were right but also wrong. You stole the show, Ayush. Your maroon kurta and staying after to help clean up made everyone love you. No one was ready for it. My parents knew how much you put me through, and they hated the fact that you were the center of attention at events that were for me. Everyone was asking them who you were for weeks. Who was the handsome young man who drove a Lexus and was playing loud music? It irked them. My parents were not the biggest fans of you because of our relationship and because they didn't understand you or your culture. You came from a different country and a different world of money, parties, and generosity. You were headstrong and could back it up. You were immature but somehow everything always worked out for you. No one in my family had ever seen that. I had never seen that. It was too different for them and for me. That's also why I didn't have any photos of you on the rotating photo board at my graduation party. I know how much it hurt you and I'm sorry; It was a fight just to get you there. Even Grace hated what you did to me, and she would tell me to cut you off any chance she got. Ayush, you were right that I couldn't date you because of how different you were, but not because I thought less of you, it's because I knew that I wasn't enough for you and that you deserved more. I still regret it to this day."

"You also said it was my immaturity," Ayush questions, "What about that?"

"Yes, it was partly that too. I know you realized the air of superiority I had in high school. I genuinely did believe I was more mature than you and maybe I was maybe I wasn't. Either way, it played a very small role. I'm sorry that that's why I told you I couldn't date you. I couldn't be with you because of the problems I had with myself, not because of the problems I had with you. I'm sorry it took me this long to tell you," I end.

There is a calming silence between us after I'm done. When I read the book, Ayush somehow knew all of this without me telling him. It scared me so bad that any thought I had of reaching out to him was completely quashed. What's humorous about the whole thing though is that I also knew Ayush well enough to understand he still liked me all of high school despite him claiming otherwise. Both of us were keenly aware of each other's unspoken secrets, so I can't fathom why him writing about mine threw me for such a loop. It might just have been that anyone could now read the intimate thoughts I had told him and that there was no one to share that experience with.

I am waiting for Ayush to respond, to forgive me, but he doesn't say anything for a while. I think back to high school when I preached about how critical diversity and accepting people from different backgrounds was, but I was a hypocrite. I couldn't even accept someone so close to me from another culture. When I went to college, Nick had always been so curious as to how I knew so much about Indian culture. When he and his friends invited me to watch Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, they couldn't fathom how I already knew all the jokes. I wish Ayush could have seen me then. He might not have physically been there, but his spirit was. Ayush's presence was always unseen but never unfelt.

"Silas," Ayush wakes me from my thoughts and turns to look at me, "You can't change the past, but you can change the future. Ask yourself what would my future self thank me for? Stop letting the things that defined your past blackmail your present and ruin more of your future. Turn your regrets into your strengths. Si, I didn't get into my dream school. You and Jack both did. You know how fucking depressing it is to have your two best friends go to YALE and STANFORD while you're going to a state school?

            "No, I don't" I answered. It obviously hadn't been easy for Ayush, but he didn't tell me about it.