In my head | Bangchan

3

I woke up the next morning alone, scanning the room but finding no sign of Chan. It was unusually quiet, and I glanced down the hall, finding it empty. Relieved, I realized the others probably hadn't seen me leaving Chan's room half asleep. Making my way to the kitchen, I found a plate of pancakes on the table with a small sticky note. "Didn't want to wake you. We are at the studio." Felix's handwriting.

Nervous thoughts raced through my mind. Did Felix know I didn't sleep in my bed last night? Did Chan tell him? Did he see me? I doubted it; otherwise, he would have woken me for sure. Sighing, I ate and got ready, then left the dorm and headed home, not far away—just a ten-minute walk.

There, I changed into something nicer before heading to the studio. On my way, I grabbed coffee for me and the boys, balancing them carefully in a cup holder. As I entered the studio, all heads turned towards me; they seemed to be on a break. "Oh good! She's here, we can ask her!" Jisung said loudly.

Panic gripped me. They knew where I slept last night. Placing the coffee down in front of them, I asked, "What exactly?" Praying it was about something else. "Who gave you the best present for your eighteenth birthday? It was me, right?" Jisung asked. I looked at him skeptically. Thank goodness it was something trivial. "Jisung, no offense, but you got me nail polish," I said. "Yeah, but you're always wearing it..." he mumbled. "Fine! Then who?"

Chan grinned at me. "Well, Chan got me a hot pink electric guitar with rhinestones, so..." I said. I loved my guitar, always having it with me for concerts or songwriting. "I got you a scooter!" Felix protested. "Yeah, but was it hot pink with rhinestones? I don't think so," I said, meeting his gaze. He looked at me in disbelief. "I can't argue with that, Lix. I'm just a girl. That's also why my favorite song of yours is 'Red Lights,'" I said, plopping down on the sofa between Hyunjin and Changbin, opposite Chan.

He glanced at me, his ears slightly red and a small smile on his face. "Okay, so next time I'm buying hot pink nail polish," Jisung declared. "And I'm buying a hot pink scooter," Lix muttered, and we all laughed. "Are you guys done yet?" I asked. Chan shook his head. "Nah, just on a break... Do you want to record something?" he asked. We often did this, and he even produced a few of my songs. Whenever the boys were on a break, I'd start singing. "I actually have something new. I'll send you the beat," I said. "Another breakup song?" Felix asked curiously.

"Nah... kind of a love song, I guess?" I answered. "I wrote it last week. It just flowed out of me so easily." Chan started it up. "Doesn't sound bad, but maybe..." Chan mumbled, adding some more drums. "Yeah, now it's perfect." I stood up and went into the booth, Chan taking his usual place, and the boys settling back onto the sofa. This stupid song was actually about Chan—he had helped me get over my ex, and my silly crush had resurfaced, so the words just flowed out of me. Chan began the beat, and I started to sing.

***

Think I need someone older
Just a little bit colder
Takes the weight off your shoulders
Think I need someone older

Baby, am I your little secret?
I'm old enough to keep it

Yeah, I guess my age just don't do the same
I'm young and that's okay

Think I need someone older
Just a little bit colder
Takes the weight off your shoulders
Think I need someone older

Darling, hold me while you wipe my tears
Falling, you say I'm wise beyond my years

Yeah, I guess my age just don't do the same
I'm young and that's okay

Think I need someone older
Just a little bit colder
Takes the weight off your shoulders
Think I need someone older

I know I'm younger than your lover
But I've always wanted a man
For the summer
Age is a number
My dear, I know you'll understand

Think I need someone older
Just a little bit colder
Takes the weight off your shoulders
Think I need someone older

***

I opened my eyes after finishing singing. The notes were pretty high at the end, and I hit them better in the dark. Don't know why. Chan was staring at me through the window that separated us. There was something in his eyes I couldn't quite identify. Han let out a loud breath. "Damn, Lily, who's that new crush?" he asked.

"Don't care, she's not dating him," Felix simply said. I raised an eyebrow. "Who are you to tell me what to do?" I asked. "Your brother? Sounds like this guy is too old for you, so you can forget about it," Felix crossed his arms. I looked at Chan. Oh, if they only knew... He was still staring at me like that.

"Yeah, I agree with Felix," he finally said. But his eyes were kind of... I don't know... they went kind of dark, I guess. "Good thing you're not the one making decisions for me," I snapped at him. He raised an eyebrow. Every one of them was annoying me right now, most of all Chan. First, he calls me his little sister, then he lets me sleep in the same bed with him, and now he crushes all my hopes by not approving. I mean, he was older, but only four years!

"I will be the one you're gonna cry to. And we all don't want you to get hurt again. Older guys are dicks, Lily," Chan answered. "Yeah, you're not dating that guy," Minho said, looking at me with a cold stare. "You guys are unbelievable! You don't even know who it is! And anyways, he isn't even interested in me like that at all, so calm down," I said.

I took off my headset and slammed it on the small table in the room. "Better like that," Changbin mumbled. "What did you say? Do you guys want me to fight you or something?" I said loudly. "No one wants to fight you," Felix said. "Well, seems like you're trying to, my dear brother. I didn't know I needed your permission to have a stupid crush!" I left the booth.

Chan shrugged his shoulders. "I think the song is good, and you nailed the recording first try," he said, "but this crush has to stop." "I can decide that by myself," I said and walked toward the exit. "Where are you going?" Felix yelled after me. "I'm not hanging out with losers! I'm going home!" I yelled back. "We're not losers!" Hyunjin yelled after me. "Yes, you are! All eight of you!" I said and left the room for good.