In my head | Bangchan

2

"I think I want to go to sleep," I said. Minho had whipped up delicious food, and after we all ate together, we played some games before settling down in the living room to watch a movie. "You can sleep in the guest room," Felix said. "It's all ready. I've prepared everything so you won't need to head home so late." "Thanks, Lix," I mumbled and stood up, yawning and stretching.

"Okay, guys. I'm gonna wash up, and then I'll be off to dreamland. See you tomorrow, sleep well," I said. They all wished me a good night, and only Felix followed me. "Lily?" he said. "Yes?" I asked as I walked into the bathroom, with him trailing behind. No personal space with these boys.

"Did you cry earlier?" he asked. I looked at him. "Did Chan tell you?" I asked. "No. You just seemed down. You know Chan never tells me anything you tell him," he answered, "but you did, right?" I nodded slowly. "It was just all too much," I answered, this time successfully keeping the dark thoughts out of my head.

"You know you can talk to me, right? You're my baby sister after all. I won't tell Mom, I promise," he said. "I know, Lixie," I smiled at him. Hyunjin always said that Felix and I had the same smile. I really hoped it was true, because as soon as my brother started to smile, the world seemed to light up.

He pulled me into a hug. "I really missed you," he mumbled. "We can see each other more often now. I also talked to Rachel and Olivia. They want to come visit next month. Then we'll be reunited," I smiled into his chest. "That would be so nice," Felix said. "Lix?" I mumbled after a while of just hugging. "Hmm?" he hummed. "I hate to break it to you, but I really need to pee," I said. Felix laughed and let go of me. "Fine. I'll leave you alone now. Sleep well, okay?" he said. "You too," I answered, and he left me alone.

***

I was tossing and turning in bed for the thousandth time. Hours had passed since I woke up to drink water, unable to fall back asleep. Groaning, I glanced at my phone. 3 a.m. Sitting up, frustration bubbling, I pondered my options. The halls were quiet; the boys were surely all asleep by now. Maybe I could go and sleep in Felix's room? I knew his bed was big enough.

Swinging my feet to the ground, I began walking in the direction of his room, but I paused outside Chan's door. His words echoed in my mind. "You can always come to me, Sweetheart, you know that, right? Even in the middle of the night." Considering my choices, I hesitated. Felix wouldn't mind sharing his bed; we'd done it since we were kids. But Bangchan might be sleeping shirtless... I bit my lip and finally pushed open his door slightly.

He was peacefully sleeping, wearing a shirt. Damn it. Silently closing the door behind me, I approached him. "Channie?" I whispered. He didn't react, so I gently shook him. "Channie!" I said a bit louder. He opened his eyes, looking confused. "Lily?" he asked, his voice raspy. "I can't sleep," I whispered.

He sat up slowly. "Bad thoughts again?" he asked, concern evident in his voice. I shook my head. "No, but I think they'll come if I stay alone for much longer," I confessed. Chan seemed to consider his options, then lifted his blanket slightly. "You can stay here if you want," he said. Nodding nervously, I slid under his warm, comforting blanket.

At first, we simply lay next to each other, and I felt his breathing steady. Slowly, I began to relax. Then, I turned towards him. His face was peaceful, his eyes closed. He was sleeping again, looking so serene. It took all my willpower not to reach out and stroke his cheek. "Chan?" I asked. He hummed, half asleep. "Can you maybe hold me?" My voice was barely a whisper. He turned towards me a bit more, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me close to his chest. I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent. And finally, my eyelids grew heavy.