I feel everything.
I hate it.
It's too much.
As someone who wants to feel everything, but was told to stop when I was younger, I tend to bottle things up. I'm trying my best not to and to feel and do it in a healthy way, but it's so hard when it feels like my body is self destructing. Having these feelings inside me feels like poison. It's driving me crazy. I feel strange. I feel like I can't trust anyone. My muscles hurt and feel tense when I think about having physical contact, but that doesn't make sense because my love language is physical touch. Maybe it's not anymore. So much is happening and I'm just so overwhelmed. I want to tell someone how this all feels, but I don't think anyone will understand. I want to be romantic. I want to dance and I want to sing and I want to hold and laugh. It's all so much and I'm scared someone will leave me because they think it's weird. That I'm being too emotional and being too loud or overdramatic. My feelings are all in one big pot that's on a stove and bubbling over, always spilling out. I don't know how to control myself and I feel like crying and laughing and being quiet. I snap and I get angry and I don't want to be like that, but it feels like a new parasite is growing inside me. It makes me overjoyed or overexcited. It makes me depressed or makes me feel nothing at all. I snapped recently and I never felt so angry. I was filled with shame and guilt after for feeling like that. My face was hot and my ears were ringing like it was the only feeling I could ever experience. I felt horrible and after I was angry I got sad and I began to cry. Even after I said sorry and I journaled to myself, I still felt like a horrible person. Like if I went to court, I would be met with the life sentence because what I did was so unforgivable. I felt like I was 15 again. Always angry, always thinking of what everyone thinks of me. Being compared to a monster who's unredeemable. My eyes are constantly watering as if I have allergies, and I feel a knot in my chest like my heart is about to give away. I feel like a lost puppy, just waiting for someone to find me behind the trash can, scared and dirty. I don't want to run to anyone with my problems because I think no one will want to deal with someone else's laundry. Everyone has their shit and their own problems why would they want to deal with anyone else. Why would they want to deal with me?
I feel like I'm the only person who feels like this.
Cracked into pieces like a mirror and each shard dealing with a different thing.
Each a different emotion I'm trying to suppress.
