Still Here (Poems)

holy shit - i think i like you

I had everything sorted out

Everything was decided

And clear

And peaceful

I had defined what I was feeling 

Recognized and acknowledged the fact

That I loved someone

But I would never tell her

I knew it wouldn't work out

I knew nothing would come of it 

Even if I did tell her

There was too much in the way

Too much stress and things that had to be done

And I was

And still am

Sure nothing would happen

There's no way she would ever like me back

But now 

There's you

You appeared so suddenly 

Abruptly

You were always there 

But

Then

One day

I looked up from my biology notebook 

That I was pretending to write in

Because it's Thursday 

And Monday felt like a Friday

And it was last period 

And I had barely any energy 

To actually do the classwork

So I looked up

Trying to appear thoughtful

As though

I was really thinking 

About the question on the board

Crossing my fingers 

Hoping the teacher wouldn't call on me

Because I haven't been listening

To anything he's said

All class period 

I looked up 

And all I could see

Was your brown curly hair

Gold at the tips and shiny

Perfectly imperfect ringlets 

Pulled back in a pony tail

You always wear your hair like that

It's cute

I wonder 

How it would look down

You would look so different

I can't even imagine it

I get why you wear it up

My hair is constantly in my way

I can never go a whole day 

With it completely down

I looked up

I saw your backpack

With the teal lunch bag clipped onto the front

I saw your gray, baggie hoodie

I realized

Later

That I don't think 

I've ever seen you

In anything else

Usually

You just wear

A baggie sweatshirt 

(Not always the same one

Obviously 

Wait 

At least I think)

And a pair of baggie jeans or sweatpants 

Or maybe 

I just never paid attention 

Before

Actually 

Sometimes

You'll wear your track uniform

A tank top and shorts

But that's it

We'll see

The weather's getting hotter

And I'll pay attention now 

To see

If you ever show your arms or legs 

By choice

I looked up

I saw your head moving up and down

Between your notebook and the board

A focused expression on your face 

Your hand moving, writing 

I saw you 

Actually paying attention

Doing the work

Oblivious to that fact

That you're the reason I can't focus, concentrate 

Well 

You 

And my exhaustion

I look up

And I can't think anything except

Holy shit 

I think I like you