Still Here (Poems)

Feelings dump (from texts - just mine)

I'm currently sitting in a car with Ella and Isabela

We are going to a concert that I kinda didn't want to go to bc I didn't feel like going anywhere and I didn't know the artist and hadn't listened to any of his music and I wanted my first concert to be stray kids which I know is kinda stupid but idk

Anyway you know me and I just can't so no and I felt bad not going to I just decided that I would go. Well everything is going just as it always does with them and pretty much anyone in that whole friend group. I just don't feel like I'm even there like they're talking and laughing and I'm just sitting there like observing or spectating or whatever. I don't even know what to do about it, I don't know what to say how to like push myself into the conversation. How come they're automatically involved and participating and I have to try to force myself in. Anyway at this point I'm literally just sitting here and I don't even know what they're talking about I just feel so excluded and like a stranger. Just different, separate, invisible. What do I even do about it? Idk

It's not really they're fault like they're not trying to exclude me I don't think but idk if it's my fault either I'm probably just too quiet and awkward idk but this car ride is like 3 hours and it is getting increasingly awkward and uncomfortable for me and it is always like this what do I even do why am I like this? 

Ok so that is a really long message

And it was mostly venting 

U don't have to read the whole thing

And it probably doesn't make much sense

And also I'm not asking for a solution or anything I just needed to write all of that I needed to tell someone

Sorry for bothering you

I'm kinda curious- if I was sitting in the middle seat would they be like this, talking around me, like I'm not there at all. Like I don't exist. I mean they're acting kinda like that now but if they were talking around me instead of just me being off the the side I think it'd be worse

Thank you so much you are literally the best I seriously don't know what I'd do without you 

It kinda is my fault tho I should try harder idk I'm just awkward I overthink things and what I want to say and then I have completely lost my chance in the first place

Im so worried about saying the wrong thing or them judging me that I don't say anything at all

Im so worried about regretting what I say or accidentally offending someone or causing a fight or conflict, I just stay silent which is definitely not the best solution

Yeah, a bit ago while I was texting you they started talking about a time they had hung out together previously without me and I just feel more excluded, I don't know the last time I hung out with either of them just the two of us 

I hate when that happens

They are just like reliving and laughing about stuff that happened before without me

And I do want to talk to Ella about growing apart and everything but I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it or kinda accept it

Also idk if I mentioned this to you before but she's the kinda person where you just can't talk to about emotional stuff or like hard and real life things

Like when everything happened with my dad and I talked about it she didn't comfort me or give advice or anything it was just awkward and uncomfortable which is why I don't tell her much personal things anymore because they are all emotional and it makes her uncomfortable and I feel guilty and feel bad for making her uncomfortable and burdening her with my own hard stuff and like I'm making her depressed and ruining the happy mood and yeah that's kinda why I have trouble talking to people

Usually I just hide my feelings or whatever cuz I was told at my dads that I had to be happy all the time and if I was upset or sad or crying I literally had to go to my room because I was making everyone else sad and depressed and making them uncomfortable 

Of course I realize now how toxic that thinking is and that I'm not responsible for other peoples feelings or reaction but i still have trouble talking about it and feel bad and guilty even though I shouldn't

Also I can't even picture how the conversation would go

And I'd definitely start crying which would make her more uncomfortable 

I think being third wheeled is better than Ella and I just awkwardly staring at each other, id rather listen to them talking than have the complete silence

Them talking is distracting everyone from the fact that I'm so distant from them, with me and Ella we both have to face it

That's kinda why i sorta avoid her now