Affinity (RDJ) - 1st person

Chapter 13 - So Naïve

"Without pain, how could we know joy?" This is an old argument in the field of thinking about suffering, and its stupidity and lack of sophistication could be plumbed for centuries, but suffice it to say that the existence of broccoli does not, in any way, affect the taste of chocolate.

I read to my mom as I do every night in the hopes that it passes the time quicker. I can't believe it's Wednesday night already.

It's been two days since the chat with Robert, and I wonder how much longer this "decision-making period" needs to take. It's not like I haven't already given it thought. A lot of thought. I'm just not sure how he feels. At all.

In the two classes I've had two classes with him since our chat, he's given nothing away. He's just carried on as if everything is normal... like nothing ever happened.

And I get it. He's... older, and extremely successful, and has a hell of a lot to offer. And I'm... me. I have nothing to offer. The last thing I want is to force my feelings on him for it to be even harder for him to let me down. He's probably hoping that this distance will throw me off. Make me realize that he's not all that. But he is. And more.

I've never felt this way about anyone, and it's scaring me. We've known each other for, what? A month? Yet I feel such a deep connection with him. And I'm sure he felt it with me too.

My phone buzzes, and I see Lexi's face light up the screen with a text message. "Hey, you at the hospital? George and I are going for coffee if you wanna hang?" I send her a message back saying I'll be there in five minutes and throw on my jacket, grateful for the distraction.

"Hey, dad?" I say gently, waking him from his nap. He stirs, squinting up at me in the orange glow from outside the huge window. "I'm just going for a coffee with my friends, okay? I'll head straight home after, so I'll see you tomorrow."

He rubs his eyes as he gets up. "Okay, sweetie. I'll see you then, enjoy your time with your friends," he says, hugging me. I leave the hospital and walk down to the coffee shop, my hands shoved in my pockets. It's freezing cold, but the fresh air is kind of nice after being in the stuffy hospital for so long.

Java is only across the road and I get to it quickly, peering inside in the hopes of seeing George or Lexi before I go in. I catch sight of George at a table and he waves me over. "Hey!" he says, grinning as I put my bag down and unzip my coat. "Lexi's just getting our drinks - she didn't know what you wanted, so you could probably catch her before she gets served to get your order in!" he smiles.

"Okay, great," I smile back, turning to head towards the counter. Lexi has already ordered by the time I get there, so I let her know I'll meet her back at the table.

Waiting in the queue, my eyes wander around the coffee shop. Nurses in scrubs and business people in suits take up most tables. It's busy tonight. Just as I'm about to move forward, my eyes are drawn to the corner table.

Familiar dark, fluffy hair and a striking jawline take my attention, and I realize it's Robert. He's wearing a checked flannel shirt and black jeans, and my breath catches as I admire his face from a side profile. It takes me a while to even notice the woman sat opposite him.

She has long, wavy auburn hair and warm, chocolate-colored eyes. I can't see her whole face, but the little I can see is striking. Robert's eyes are engaged on hers as she speaks, both of them looking relaxed in each other's presence. He's drinking his usual white coffee, and she has some tall, creamy, elegant creation in a slender glass.

And then it hits me. Is he... is this a date? Is this his girlfriend? I feel sick at the thought of it and realize how completely stupid I'd been to not even think it a possibility that he has a girlfriend. How naïve can I be? Of course he does. Look at him.

I marvel at how much can change in the space of thirty seconds. Suddenly, I feel numb, like the world has been tipped on its side, and I'm trying to find my balance again. I feel hot and cold at the same time, and a lump forms in my throat. I step out of the line, not wanting to be there anymore and will away the rising struggle that's tightening my chest every second. Turning around to head back to the table, my head starts to spin, and I feel the numbness creeping up my arm; an unfamiliar feeling in recent days.

"Hey..." Lexi chirps, but trails off when she sees me, her expression becoming one of concern immediately. "Whoa whoa, you okay, Remy?" she adds worriedly, standing to take my elbow and steady me.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry. I need to... I'm gonna head home. Sorry... I'll just... I'll see you guys tomorrow," I mumble, pulling my backpack off the chair and grabbing my jacket.

As I make my way towards the door, I can't help but glance once more towards Robert's table. I reach the exit just as his eyes flick upwards over his date's shoulder, and he sees me. He stares at me, and his mouth drops open slightly, illustrating his surprise and confusion at my presence here. Feeling more than horrified and my cheeks flushing crimson, I push the door open and emerge into the cold night air once more, willing it to just swallow me up right there.