Affinity (RDJ) - 1st person

Chapter 6 - Alive

Saturday morning comes too early and after a night of waking up every half hour, I roll out of bed at 7am. I shower and dress quickly before heading through to the kitchen, finding dad at the breakfast bar, hunched over a steaming mug of coffee. He smiles as I notice him, eyes bleary from sleep. 'Morning, honey. How did you sleep?'

I shrug. 'Alright I guess. You?'

He shakes his head. 'Not great. I kept waking up and couldn't get back to sleep.'

I nod, knowing that feeling all too well. 'Breakfast?' I offer, opening the fridge to pull out the butter. He nods appreciatively.

'Of course. Toast and jam sounds great right about now.'

I butter the bread and spread some raspberry jam on top before sliding it under the grill. That's how mom always made it - lightly toasted with hot jam on top.

We sit together, eating our jam toast in silence, comfortable in each other's presence. 'So... uh...' he mumbles over his plate. 'Are you still wanting to come today? To the... to see mom? Because it's okay, I understand if you don't...'

I cut him off as he starts to trip over his words. 'Yeah, of course dad. I've been looking forward to it.' I smile reassuringly at him, hand on his arm. He smiles back weakly.

'Thanks, honey. I know it's hard for you too.'

'Well, easier together, right?' I suggest, sounding chirpier than I feel.

'Right,' he smiles, squeezing my arm back.

Nothing about this is easy on any of us, but it must be torture going to that place alone every day and seeing no progress. No husband should have to see his wife that way, let alone with no support.

The rest of the day passes slowly. I manage to distract myself by cleaning my room (a task made easier by the lack of belongings and teeming boxes that I still can't bring myself to unpack) and organizing my schedule for the week ahead.

It creeps towards 4.30 and I finally hear dad call from the front door; it's time to leave. It's a half hour car journey to the hospital and dad breezes there as if he's done it a thousand times. It probably feels like he has. He pulls into a space in the parking lot and turns to me. 'You ready to see her, honey?'

I nod, not trusting myself to speak. I flash a small smile to him, knowing it's not convincing him at all.

'Well, let's go then.'

Stepping out of the car, I follow him to the automatic doors. He swipes his access card and holds the door open. I wonder how he got the card, and then remember he's here every day, sometimes twice.

We follow the signs to the intensive care unit where mom's bed is hidden behind a screen. I've only visited her here once and that was when they first moved her in. It looked the same. It smelled the same. Why is it that hospitals have that smell? It's not a bad smell, it's just... hospital.

Dad waits behind me as I step up to the nurses' station. 'Hey, we're here to see Laura Boden.'

The nurse, who had been looking at her computer, looks up and smiles. 'Hi. Yes, it's good to see you again... Oh wait, it's you! You're Laura's daughter, right? You look so much like her!'

I smile back. 'Thanks. Is it okay if we see her?'

The nurse nods. 'Of course.'

Dad smiles at the nurse as she directs you to your mom's bedside. I peek around the curtain, hearing the steady bleeps of the machines that are keeping her alive before I see her.

She looks so small in the giant hospital bed, like a child's doll. I walk to her side and take her hand. It's cold, but it still feels like hers. Her fingers feel so bony in mine, her face gaunt. Her mouth gapes open a little where the tubes go into her, but she looks restful.