Affinity (RDJ) - 1st person

Chapter 12 - No Pressure

By Sunday, I've talked myself into a stupor, not quite believing how stupid I've been. He's my professor. This sort of thing doesn't actually happen, doesn't actually amount to anything, and there's good reason for that. Hundreds, even.

He'd have reached out by now if he wanted to see me or speak to me, right? If it was on his mind. He could lose his job. His job. And that's even without any more being said or done.

What a huge mess this was.

I spend the day in bed, refusing to eat. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. I'm a fool. Serves me right, I think. For trying to have a life outside of the tragedy that defines me. Shaking my head, I pinch my eyes closed, willing the thoughts to leave so I can make a start on moving on.

I awaken on Monday with a pit in my stomach. The broken sleep has returned with vengeance, but I can deal with that. It's Robert I can't face.

Realizing that I'll have to take this on one way or another, I heave myself out of bed and get ready for the day. Maybe he'll just pretend nothing happened and we can just go back to how it was before.

It aches to think about that. About never having his lips on mine again, never feeling his breath on my neck as he cups my face in his strong hands-

No. Professor. That's it.

Arriving at college, I feel on edge with every corner I take, dreading running into him before I've really decided on my game plan.

'Hey!' comes a voice from behind me. I breathe a sigh of relief to see that it's Lexi and George making their way over to me by the lockers. 'How's the head?' George teases.

'More importantly, how's your head?' I hit back, attempting a joke.

Lexi laughs. 'Yeah you were wasted on Saturday, George.'

George shrugs, chuckling. 'Well, I think I've formed a new man crush on Mr. Downey. I still can't believe that - a Harper Avery!' he whispers, wide-eyed as if speaking forbidden words. I try my best to laugh along, but my smile feels more like a grimace.

'I can't wait for class today!' Lexi exclaims brightly. I feign a smile in return, not wanting to draw attention to my misery. The three of us head for class and I'm grateful that Robert's isn't until last period. We hang out all morning, but it's hard to focus on anything they say. All that's going through my head is Robert, Robert, Robert.

Before I know it, I'm heading to his class alongside my friends who are talking about how to casually bring up the Harper Avery to their new hero. I walk into the room, immediately feeling his eyes on me. I look up to meet them, and he smiles warmly, but slightly tensely. 'Hey, you three. How are you doing?' he asks as we pass his desk on the way to our seats.

'I'm great, Mr. Downey!' George says excitedly.

'Yeah, super great, thanks!' Lexi says.

I smile back, unable to meet his gaze. 'Good. I'm, uh, glad my top three students are getting on so well,' he says awkwardly before sniffing and mooching back across to his desk. We all sit down, and the class proceeds as normal. I try to focus on the lesson, but I can't shake the feeling that Robert's eyes are still on me.

He's probably struggling with how to break this off without hurting me. He's so gentle, so caring. The last thing he'll want to do is hurt me.

After the Monday pop quiz, he dismisses class along with the weekly homework. I stay seated as my friends pack up their things, hearing Robert chatting to a group of students as he leans on the doorframe, seeing everyone out.

He glimpses in my direction every few seconds as he listens to the other students. Just as I'm about to look away, I see him jerk his head to one side as if gesturing me to hang back. I bite my lip and nod once in his direction. He smiles in response, and turns to the last group of students. 'Alright, I'll see you all tomorrow! Good luck with the assignment.'