THIRTY TWO
I don't exist.
Billie had cried herself to sleep in his arms, and Rafe laid there for hours thinking about what he ought to do until he too drifted off to sleep.
In the cold air of the morning, he woke up alone in an empty hotel room.
He picked up his phone to call her but stopped himself. She left, again. She's made her decision. He threw the phone on the bed and let his head fall into his hands. Suddenly, his phone rang and he quickly grabbed it and answered.
"Billie?" he said quickly.
"No, sorry," his sister replied, thrown off. "You okay?"
"Yeah, fine," he lied. "What's up?" Rafe said quickly, wanting to keep the line clear. Sarah paused for a second before she replied, immediately noticing the tone of his voice.
"I'm just checking in on you. Did something happen? Where are you?" Sarah asked in concern.
"At the hotel."
"Where's Billie? She's not with you?"
"No," Rafe said through a short exhale.
"Why not?"
"Sarah..." Rafe pleaded. He wanted for this call to be over.
"I just want you to be happy, Rafe, you know that right? And Billie too."
"It doesn't matter, okay?" he sighed. "It's too much for her. Too much guilt. It's worse for her than for me."
"I know but..." Sarah started but was interrupted.
"No you don't know. She hates herself for everything that's happened. Do you know how exhausting it is to worry about hurting everyone around you just by following your..." Rafe stopped himself, feeling the pain in his chest.
"Your heart?" Sarah filled in. "Is that how she feels?"
"I don't know."
He did know. She'd told him last night. But the way she had told him... It wasn't a declaration of love. It was like a description of cause of death or finally being able to see the root of all problems. The solution was simple. Once you've located the root, cut it out, burn it, spread its ashes. Never talk of it again.
"Well... What do you feel?" Sarah asked cautiously. Rafe sighed, feeling the unfamiliar burn of tears in his eyes.
"I can't breathe around her. And I don't exist when she isn't around." His strained throat let out a painful breath.
"Rafe..." Sarah started, but her voice grew thin.
"But it doesn't matter. She left this morning. I'm letting her have space." Rafe cleared his throat and inhaled deeply.
"Okay..." Sarah said, not convinced. But Rafe quickly hung up. He couldn't talk anymore. He opened his messages and started typing.
Billie
Are you okay?
No
Will you be?
Yes
Ok
I'll see you around, okay?
Yeah. See you around Billie
So that was it. Space. He was giving her space.
[flashback]
The holding cell was cold. The dingy yellow walls dirty and hard. Rafe brushed his bruising fist.
"You are such fucking idiots," JJ said. "Did you really think you could go on without anyone finding out?"
"JJ..."
"What Rafe?"
"Don't be angry at her," he said. "It's mostly my fault."
"How is it mostly your fault? Takes two to devil's tango bro."
"I should've left her alone," Rafe sighed. "In New York. I should've just listened to my head and just stayed away. I shouldn't have dragged this up. I should've just let her heal. And now Barry's involved."
"Billie is her own person, Rafe. She can make her own wrong decisions."
"What makes you say that?"
"Trust me, blaming yourself doesn't get you anywhere. She left me in the dust, remember? That was her decision. I'm not blaming myself for that. Hell no man."
"But you still love her," Rafe said. JJ chuckled.
"I don't think anyone stops loving Billie Routledge. She's like the song that never leaves your head." JJ gestured to his temple with his finger.
"She does what she wants though."
"Yup, we just get to hang along as long as she allows us to. Hold on for dear life, Rafe, that's my advice."
"You hate me, why are you saying all this?"
"You said it yourself. I love her. If she let you in, then maybe that's how it has to be for now. Just be lucky she can stand the sight of you dude."
Their eyes flicked up as Billie sighed loudly, looking at them from the other side of the metal bars.
"They're sorting out the paperwork. Then we can go," she explained. No answer. Rafe and JJ just looked down at the floor, processing the conversation they just had. Billie furrowed her brows in irritation. "Oh-kay," she breathed in and walked away.
[end of flashback]
But he hadn't done what JJ told him to do. He hadn't held on for dear life. He had let her go.
And he had the nerve to tell himself he was giving her space.
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