Lovefool

Exhausted

TW:mental health and su*c*de attempts

Authors note:
I just want to note before I start this chapter that although I struggle with some of the issues that I'm bringing up in this chapter, I would say I don't personally struggle with them severely so I've done some research into it to try and make sure it isn't unrealistic, but if there's anything in this chapter that's incorrect please let me know so I can change it x

You and Bolton have been together for a few months now and it's been amazing , hes so sweet and funny, your friends absolutely adore you two together and you feel invincible.
What Bolton and your friends don't know is that you struggle a lot with your mental health, specifically depression, usually this wouldn't matter too much but you ran out of your medication and didn't tell anyone, this doesn't stop your depressive episodes but without meds there worse, only your dad and donte know about this but more people will probably start to find out now.your episode started a few days ago and you've been quite distant and snippy.

8:30 am-Monday morning
Marina is lay there staring at the ceiling of her bedroom, school is starting right now but marina is still in bed, unable to move, she wants to get up and get ready for school and see her friends but she physically can't, she feels so tired and unmotivated.

Her phone is buzzing  but as she grabs her phone to play music she just looks at the notification

Bolton x
Babe, how come you ent at school , you ok....

I quickly clear the message and start playing music and lay there, slowly sinking into my mattress.

After a few hours I hear the door open, I hear donte shout out which makes me relax
"Reena? Are you hear"
I reply
"I'm upstairs" but I say it quietly so he can't hear from downstairs
He looks everywhere and finally reaches your room as he opens the door he sighs in relief
"God reena your here, I was worried sick, Bolton told me you weren't in,what are you playing at" he slightly raises his face
I look at him
"I don't feel well" I reply in a monotone voice
Donte thinks about this and my behaviour the last few days and realises what's happening
He kneels down
"Ok well if you want I can tell the school"
I start tearing up slightly
"Thank you donte"
He strokes my hair and says goodbye then walks off out the house
-fast forward to that night-
Bolton came over but donte told him I was ill and shooed him off"
It's not that donte and my dad don't want people to know, they just want to be careful.

Dad calls me downstairs
"Tea's ready love"
I get myself out of bed and walk downstairs, although I'm not motivated to do anything I can still do some stuff it's just things like being productive and being healthy and hygienic that I just cant bring myself to do.
I get downstairs and my dad and donte are sat down, looking at me sympathetically, god I love them an all but it really pisses me off when they look at me like this.
I sit at the table and grab my fork
My dad grabs my shoulder
"I know this is hard but we'd love it if you could eat with us"
I sit there for a few minutes poking my food, I just don't feel hungry.
Donte speaks up
"You don't have to eat if you don't want to,we understand"
I tense up, I don't know how to reply
"Yeah Donte's right reena if you don't want to you don't have to but, please try"

I snap.
"Please try!"
I jump out of the chair
"Please try! , don't you think I'm trying, stop acting like you understand me, you . Don' ." I storm off back to my room and slam the door.

As I'm lay in my bed I start feeling quilty, should I have shouted at them like that?
I hear a knock at the door. I don't answer. The door slowly opens , my dad walks in
He kneels and looks at me
"Are you alright love, have you been taking your meds?" I stare at him, I haven't been taking them for a couple of weeks since I ran out, I thought I'd be fine without them, I felt better
I reply
"Yes, I've been taking them"
"Good" he smiles , kisses my forehead then walks out,I feel myself tear up but I hold it in.

I walk to the bathroom room to pee and as I'm washing my hands I open the cupboard mirror thing above the sink,there I find pills,there's some of the medication my dad has to take and a few packets of paracetamol.i feel my heart sink into my stomach....i want to take them...but I can't.....

What my dad and donte didn't know was that my depression isn't just feeling sad and lonely, for a few years now I have struggled with su*c*dal thoughts, I'd never done anything to harm myself yet because I was too scared to but the thoughts are very scary.

I quickly run out the bathroom and go back to my room for the night, I've had to hold myself back from these thoughts a few times already since I've been diagnosed with depression, I just want to stop this.