The Sorrow in His Eyes: Regretful Husband

Chapter 3

I remember that first encounter with Adam in the library. 

I remember the excitement I felt with his attention and the fact I was feeling so overwhelmed with sensations, which I couldn't even comprehend totally. I was so lost, so lost in Adam and so lost in all the possibilities, in all the meanings I could think for his pursuit, It looked like I was living in a dream.

15 years old Adam seated himself beside me, after some introductions, as I would not know who he was!, and said he was waiting for an opportunity to talk to me, but couldn't find the right timing.

Then he decided just to do it!

On that day, Adam invited me to share lunch with him. And if you don't know, this is really a big deal! That was the first of many times Adam would put me in a central spot in his life. Also, that day led us to the most amazing days of our lives and, unfortunately, it would seem, to also the most terrible one too.

Back to the present, after Adam left the house, almost forcefully, I made a quick dinner for the kids, forced myself to eat with them and tried to act very nonchalantly about the fact that their father was not in the house for dinner, for the first time ever.

I brushed the subject the better way I could. A very difficult task because kids can sense when something is terrible wrong.

I don't remember very much what I did after dinner but, somehow, the kids were in bed and I found myself in the master bedroom, looking at everything I've created and everything I took for granted. To all the hopes I put in this marriage and I could just think... What went wrong? Why would he leave me like this?

Adam, why would you?

I went to the closet and saw that Adam took very few things with him and that (that!) made me so mad, so mad! If I had some lighter and less sense, I would have burned everything.in that moment! Everything...! Because this is what he wanted, isn't it? 

And having this new and shine position of a broken woman, an abandoned woman, a scorned woman, was not sitting well with me.

This feeling, this goddamn feeling that I was the one who was not good enough. Just like I thought in the past, in my teenage days... That I was the kind of wife one husband could ask for a divorce so easily! So easily Adam.

This feeling... It undid me.

I crumped to the ground and cried. Cried like I never have done before in my life. And while crying I wished to God to not let my kids hear me. I wished to God to not let me hate Adam. I wished to God for peace, for some explanation, for some reason that just Him could give me. I cried for all the dreams I thought I had and now, were lost for me.

Adam... Adam...

I cried. Cried so much. But at the same time, I planned.

I planned to survive. To do better in the future To do better for myself. To love my kids, to not hate Adam, to continue, to fight.

I planned to not die. And that was the first step. Love. Do not hate. Survive. Give it time.

I think I slept or passed out. In that same position I received a message on my phone and, surprisingly, or not, it was from Adam.

"Can I call you?" He texted.

Can he call?!

I didn't answer. In my mind he would know, he should know, that a question like that, in the current situation, did not requested an answer. Did not deserved one.

Even then, sometime later, he tried again:

"Let's not do like this, please. I will come back home."

Home? Who do you think you are?!