Referees don't fall in love.

Designated dark thought time

What if I die young? Can I somehow leave my heart to you?
What about all my belongings? Can I curse you with the burden of keeping all my favorite books?
I'm gonna die someday, I know it, so there's no surprise to this pain. All this memories will die with me, there won't be any pictures of you and me. There won't be pictures of many things. Only long lost love letters for my love. Long letters for the only one allowed to take my young full of life body.
I'm gonna die someday and there will still be things I won't have enough time to learn. It doesn't scare me anymore, death. It has never been a good sign to not be scared of dying.
I'm only scared of leaving this world without having written enough poetry. I'm only scared of the things someone might regret not doing with me. I'm only scared of the pain I might cause to others. Where will my soul go? Do you think god would love me better than you could?
It's not easy for me not to think a lot. I can't help it sometimes.
I don't think I wanna be this strong on my own. It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to say I'm tired. Not in a physical way, but in a spiritual way.
I'm afraid I might become someone sad. I fight against that, even if it means to keep all the sadness only for myself, I'll only be defined by how much I loved and laughed when I'm gone. I don't want to be defined by the dark gloomy days.
I'm afraid of sharing that incredibly sensible side of me.
I know I can get through anything. Lately I've just been feeling like I don't want to. Like I want to have a break from chaos.
But things are the way they are. I'm my own peace and my own hell. I'm always alone, but I don't feel like dating anyone to fill that void.
There are certain things that can only be cured by your arms. I don't need to be told I'll get through this, I just need to not feel so alone. Please.You know how to do if even if I don't.
I don't want to play strong independent woman anymore. I don't want to play dating with strangers, having sex and crying on the way back home. I don't want to pretend I have everything under control all the time.
I don't want to say 'this too shall pass' anymore.
My souls begs for you. My eyes always look empty now. There used to be a certain glow where your reflection shone on my pupils.
I need to cry my soul out on your shoulder, so I can shake this feeling off and keep on going on.
What if I never feel alive again?
I never confess to you this thoughts. I don't want you to think I don't try hard enough.
I swear I do.
I just feel so alone all the time. All the things I need to share I do them by myself.
There's no one to make coffee for, no one to cook for. No one to help me sleep at night.
I try to use my close friends sometimes,just for you. I just can't. Sex is not in my mind anymore and the more I work out the more horrible I feel. That's funny.
My self esteem has been low lately, and I feel dumb talking about it. Clothes make no sense when it's about dressing for myself .
I stopped mass posting, which is good haha. I just don't think I have anything to share. It all feels little interesting and mostly sad.
You know how much I like words. I love yours .
Lately all your words keep me pretty much alive.
It's not even when you say you are proud. It's when you call me yours, when you talk about my soul, about the time we spent together. It's when I feel a little loved when I don't want to give up.
Cause lately I do wanna give up a lot.
I just think of you, and I stay strong. I do all the things I need to, even if I feel miserable doing them.
You have stolen from me the life you once gave me, the rushing heart next to you, the long nights on your chest. Even all the times you say hurtful things and I just cry silently, I still feel more alive than I do now.
My body hurts so much today. I've been taking so many meds my stomach hurts most of the time. I wanted to cry all day long. I wish I knew why I feel like this.
I'm supposed to be young and healthy.
I want to be taken cared of. I want a hug on this days, I want a soft caress to sleep, I want to watch movies with someone else, I want to be held by your jacket on the winter, and to be told beautiful things to be reminded that even though everything hurts I once was healthy, beautiful and alive. I want to be kissed so my heart feels warm again , so my lips get red and I know I'm not just a cold heartless doll.
I was once told that everyone needs to be loved, but some people have learned to love better , to love in an intense sense, in a bleeding way. I'm one of those people who loves and tries to do good for people. I have been loved so little since I was born, I can't help but to love fiercely so no one can doubt I built all of this feelings on my own, cause no one taught me well. I've built this heart. I've built this fortress. And it's yours if I'm ever gone, cause it seems like I'm always one step close to death.
It's all yours if I'm not on this earth one day, at 20 or at 60. I'll probably still love you when your skin wrinkles and your eyes cannot read anymore. I would read god's words a hundred times for you, I would still like your small eyes. I like your black hair and when small white hairs hide into it.
I would like you even if you sell chicken eggs and vegetables on the back of a truck. I would like you even if you would say Messi is the worst. I would like you with no prospects and no muscle.
It's your brain the one I love. You have a beautiful mind, made by books and long library hours. You have a beautiful mind, forged by cheesy Arab poems and many languages, full of manly knowledge and also dumb internet jokes. You laugh at my worst jokes and have the weirdest sense of humor. You have a mind full of maps of the world, one day you'll take me places I don't know, you'll take all this horrible memories with just a silly smile.
Beautiful corrupted brain, driven away from what's right, still so pure I can cry with open wounds on your arms, I know I won't get an infection while laying on your mind. You can't contaminate my thoughts, only make them more pure.
Hopefully one day a star will have my name, so I can always look after you, so I can always look at the top of your head, so I can burst in a supernova just looking at your beautiful and corrupted thoughts.
My love. You are mine. You won't ever say it. But I loved you with the Holy Spirit first. I have loved you more than I have loved myself for most of my life. You are mine in the most innocent way. You are mine in all my memories. You are the image I created from who you truly are. You are mine, mainly because my love will always be mine, I have a selfish heart. We can't love what we never had. I had your little time, I had your eyes, your lips, your skin on mine just for me. You are the man that lives in all my love poems. You are the my worst perfect fantasy, you are real even when I think you can't be, you shouldn't be real, you are a weird manufacture of the universe. I'm thankful to god for you.
My love, I'm yours, in whatever world you find me. I'm yours in the sky, if I ever shine up there. I'm yours if the rivers run with blood and the trees stop breathing carbon monoxide for us. All my words belong to you, you can pray with them if you want. All the magic I can create with dopamine belongs to your hands, when you put them on my tights. You can build planes with my bronce red hair if you want, build me a castle of sand with the color of my hands.
The curve of my back, the gentle line of my smile is yours , to draw all the walls of your future Malibu house.
My long lashes will write the little or long future we have ahead, and you'll take what's yours at the right time. Meanwhile, you can sleep on my skin and claim my body each night. I hope god gives you prophetic dreams. I hope you see me in all of them.
You'll never believe me how I found you my cave man. You'll think I have lost my mind. I lost it way too long ago, when I met you. I'm only crazier each day, in hopes you see my beauty from time to time, in hopes you let me take your eyes to be mine.
I love you, always endlessly, from my lonely gloomy cave. I've written from the inside of this dry dark walls, to always remember you, cave man.
Love, Cielo.