Referees don't fall in love.

The non final

I've been postponing this moment. This letter. This is goodbye. This is the most dreadful time for me.
I've never thought life would turn this way for me. I've never thought that I would be in so much danger again, and even when I want to laugh about it, I'm terrified. I wish all of this would be a lie to look interesting, and not the sad reality. I don't know what's the future for me, I don't got anything assured now. I'm scared as hell, but I can't let fear take me away.
I think about it, what if I disappear and you never find out? What if they take me and no one tells you why I stopped writing? What if you think I changed my mind about you, but I'm just gone like so many girls, down in someone's basement, blind in a dark room.
The present seems very discomforting now, very dangerous, helpless. I hold on to you to don't go insane. I'm holding tight to my only sunshine in this days, I'm holding tight to the desert that's between your chest and your arms. It's holiday time in your bed, it's a minute of safety, a minute of forgiveness.
It has never been hard for me to say goodbye, I've never been nostalgic , but this time it's hard. I don't want to show fear, sadness or loneliness, but then my eyes get lost behind your window, into that black void  outside your apartment. My eyes say a lot, so I do make up just for you. I give you the best side of me, I give you the little light I have left after this last month.
You've been an amazing reminder that there's still a sweet, innocent and pure particle in my heart. That even after all the blood I've seen, there's not too many things that have stained me.
It's refreshing to be able to be like this again. It's been good to be able to open up again and not get hurt.
I don't know how much time it will be till I see you again, I don't even know if I still have too many days left. It's so crazy, it's so scary.
I'm leaving in four days, I feel devastated. I don't know if I should tell you the truth about what's going on, I think some things are just too hard to believe, mainly because I can't even believe it myself.
I need you badly. I need to be held on by some arms who don't even love me but that hold me tight enough to deceive myself a little for some time.
It's hard for me not to share sadness right now. I hope you know that my heart has only tried to give you all the smiles I lack during the week, all the happy giggles and dumb jokes. I've been strong and energetically around you, cause you deserve that. I've been trying to make feelings into words, I've been trying to share the deep way in which I feel for you, but lately words have not been enough. I don't seem to find the right words for such a complex grateful lovely feeling.
I don't write anymore when I get home. I don't need to put all my love in letters, I've been loving you when you look away, when you get your eyes lost into the nothingness, when you pretend you don't see me looking mesmerized at your face.
I've been loving you in each meal, in each dress I sew so it looks perfect, in each song that makes me think about you.
There are many words I need to say face to face. I can't leave with all this love shoved in my suitcase. I can't leave without letting you in just for a little. So I guess this is an open ending, cause I can't find words. I don't know if it's all chaos going around my head, or maybe it's that some things need to be said.
I love you my love . I'll love you even if I go missing, and I'll held on to your memory in my darkest time, I'll make you the temple where I can pray for better times to come, the safe spot in my mind where I can stop pretending to be that strong. I'll make you the warmth water that washes out all the blood, that washes out all of our sins.
Thank you.

Love, Cielo.