Referees don't fall in love.

Rage writting

You annoyed the fuck out of me. I know it's just words. It's just words, stupid words. But then I think about all the time I spent cooking, all the walking everywhere to get the things you like, all the stupid money spent.
All the things I want but you never give. All the excuses I make in your name. And you make silly jokes, stupid jokes. I laugh, I try to be funny angry and not stupid sad.
You know what you are doing, that's what makes me mad.
I cried all morning thinking of leaving. I spent three hours making your gift. I cried doing it. I felt the first glimpse of nostalgia in my heart, for the first time, just for you. I was never able to feel nostalgic,
Now I am, because of you.
I could pour my heart in each cup of coffee I could make for you. I could bleed out on a bucket just to paint a sweater the color that looks the best on you.
Fuck you. Fuck to your stupid jokes each time you make them. Fuck you each time I love you hard but you don't even take me out of your apartment.
This week my horoscope said "don't get angry if someone cannot love you", and I thought that was the first time I read something real there. Something that suited my life.
But I know, I'm not angry cause you don't love me back, cause I made peace with that in my mind. I Can love you even when your eyes don't belong to me. I Can love you even when you joke about the things you know that can hurt me. I can stay here even if you loose all what you have going on in your life. I can bleed out my heart in a book you'll never really appreciate.
I'm angry cause sometimes you joke, you talk, and you forget, that I'm still like most women in my core. Bad liars, really emotional. I laugh at all your cruel jokes cause it's easier than just get silent. You know something's wrong when I'm silent.
And today the night feels silent. The trees stopped moving just to hear me ugly cry. I take a big breath and try not to make a sound. There are things that are better left unsaid, like the things I could say when I get
Emotional.
You said I should stop being embarrassed about writing about you, but how? How can I if I write to the same man that jokes about the things that he knows hurt. How can I not feel embarrassed if I fell for the one who takes me straight to bed now, not even a drink, not even a night out.
Don't ever talk to me about woman not loving unconditionally. Don't talk to me like if I'm just another bitch that does not feel things in a real way.
I know when it's real. That it's not real for you it does not mean it's not for me.
I love you even if months apart I would have
Killed any man that talked to me about polygamy.
I stretched my mind for you, I turned all what could have been really painful to watch into something that's logic. I hear your words like you where a temple. I believe every word you say, I take you seriously, and then I try not to hold the same image of you when you joke around.
I laugh.
I laugh, I turn my head around in bed, afraid you won't follow me and cuddle in the way I want. I let the tear fall from the side, and change the topic to something that makes me laugh.
I'm a good actress, but still a bad liar.
I want to go downstairs and throw the pie. I want to allow myself to be angry. But that's just not me. There's always more love than anger and drama in my heart.
So I just sit here, lights down, music, I write. I rage write about you, about how you fuck me up with your little games. I make a sexual joke about this, and I turn around in bed, with your hoodie on, hoping you'll be there to put your arm around my waist when I let this tears fall. But you are not here. And I hope you are just working, or watching the movies I recommend. You are not here,
So I'll sleep, maybe I'll be able to find you in my dreams, where you are not so shitty, so playful, so cold,
So bad,
So mean,
So perfect
As in real life.