Referees don't fall in love.

The first lie.

August was slipping away from my fingers when we started to talk, it seemed so empty, so sexual, nothing else. I was trying to be someone that now I know I can't. I was trying to be the girl with just one night stand, I guess at some point my heart felt so heavy I decided it was easier to bury it in lust and money. I guess I had figured out that there's no place in the world for girls like me, cause all we get to know it's just how painful is to love a man who only loves to spread you open. All we get to know is to be desired but never loved, so what's the point on us waiting for the right one ? What's the point of keeping your body like a secret if when you meet the right one all your trust in man is already going to be ruined from all those times a guy tried to slip his hand under your dress and got angry when you said no.
It's hard out there for girls like me.
You never asked what's the biggest desire of my heart. I've always desired to build a home. Not a house, not a room decorated with the stuff I like, a home. A place that stays warm because we burn with love, a place where everyone can come back when the world gets too hard, when you are too tired of working and your eyes burn from all the studying. A place where you can laugh till it hurts and cry your heart out without watching for the hungry wolves hunting lonely souls. A place where lonely is a choice and hard it's a word you only use when you say we, when you say us, "it's hard for us", not "for me".
I think at some point it's unrealistic for the cultural background of my country, and maybe for the U.S., that a 20 year old wants that. Cause maybe I should be after a degree, after a stupid guy, or after a social media career like most of gen z.
I tried to be the independent force and strong woman that doesn't think about family, about meeting the love of her life, that it's focused on herself, but I guess I can only be the independent girl that took care of herself when no one would, the one that leaves the country alone looking for a better life, the strong woman who wants to be a better person to some day be a better mom than the one she had.
I was play pretending when I met you. I was choosing to be someone different with each guy I tried to date. I was trying to shape into someone different, cause I had always been pointed that I was weird, and there was something seriously wrong with me. I had always been a really mature, maybe a boring child. Always too interested in reading the same books a thousand times, sitting for hours just looking at enciclopedias, catching bees and looking at them under a magnifying glass, wishing that one christmas someone would get me a microscope, fighting with friends because they said something racist or classists at the age of 8. I was an intense child, not friendly enough to have many friends, but smart enough to play fantasy games with some kids, but It always felt like doing something stupid just to have someone close to me. And that feeling stayed with me for a long time, always shrinking to fit into someone's tea cup, always being a little less of who I am so I wasn't alone.
That changed after all what I went through. We never talk about it, cause I know you don't want to hear about it, but that's what made me grow, that's what made me more like what I am now.
All the pretending just started to be for fun, not because I needed someone by my side. And at some point my job required to do some pretending, because they didn't let me talk about it. I was an ilegal worker on the U.S. , employed by a really important military member. It could go wrong in so many ways. Just writing about it it feels wrong. They didn't allowed me to talk to anyone about it. So I told you the truth, but never the ilegal part about it, so each time you talked to me about me having a U.S. number , I had to make all this excuses, because I had lied to you since the first day. I felt too embarrassed to come clean after such a long time, I trusted you but I was still afraid. I found microphones on my room, they knew every bit of what I talked with people, there where cameras all over the house, so I was just afraid that they will find out that I had talked about my life. They hated each time I went out with the same person, they knew somehow.
At some point I started to think that maybe, if you find out about it, you wouldn't want to see me anymore. I'm just doing what I need to go out of the place where I grew up. I guess that out of all people you would be the first to understand that if you have the chance to help your family, it doesn't matter how risky it is, you do it. If you have the chance to save yourself, you do it.
I made childish mistakes when I got tired of saying lies just for my shitty job. I told you half of the truth, and was too public about my real job. I'll excuse myself saying that it's hard to work 40+ hours doing a thousand things per day for 4$ the hour and not even be able to talk about it. It's funny cause I liked you so much that I only worked 20 hours per week just to see you on the weekend cause getting a car to go to your house costed me that much.
That's a fact that makes me really embarrassed.
I'm here doing this job I hate, that it's not important at all, when I should be doing something bigger with the brain I was given. I think I am going to do something smart someday, I was pretty close to do it before I came here. I had figured out a simple formula to calculate the distance of defects on different materials without the need of a long formula, it was a percentage perception on the problem. It's hard to explain. But I did it, my dad felt proud, he kept helping me with it, we kept figuring it out. It was fun, but it still felt empty. It still felt empty when I worked at non profitable organizations, collecting donations, helping kids and fighting for human rights. It felt good but there was something missing.
It was empty to spend the day at psychology class and then come home and do a thousand, equations , while still struggling financially to support myself and working 16 hours non stop from Friday to Sunday. It was horrible. The only times I left the house I knew I was being followed, all my family was worried about me, each week I got threatened in some kind of way. I was certain that I was not going to make it till the end of the year.
Now, my life is going to improve, and each time you judge me for wanting to go to Spain, you don't know how much better it is than my life in Argentina. I want to learn from my aunt, I think Islam might be good for me. I would like to learn but I can't do that when my parents are watching, I don't want to break their heart by choosing a different life.
So this is it, this was my first lie.
It has been hard to carry so many untrue things in my back. Specially when I didn't want to lie, not to you. Cause you were good for me, you made me be better. But I had to protect my job,my future, and honestly I didn't want to lose you.
When you opened the door, honestly, you weren't who I expected. Many things about you weren't what I expected, I still lied about how many man I had slept with cause I didn't want you to feel special for being my second one. I chose you for some reason. It was good to feel comfortable again, not fearing when being naked, trusting.
You gave me trust, the guilt burns me alive just cause I wasn't able to give you that back.
But this is not about guilt, it's not about how horrible I felt by lying, cause honestly I felt worst when I started feeling it. Feeling that sparkle that keeps me smiling and my eyes shining. I felt worst when I knew we would never be a thing. I felt worst when November got closer and the subtle sadness of leaving started to hit me.
Now I'm gone.Now you can know the truth about me. There's more to this. Choose if you want to know what comes next, cause something's are better left unsaid but I never learnt how to do that.
Choose and let me know, cause it's going to eat me alive not knowing if you ever knew all what I wrote. If you ever knew how good, how bad, how in love I was. If you ever found out I have a piece of you now.

Choose.