Referees don't fall in love.

He's not you

When I still had apps on my phone, I went on a date. It was probably tw0 weeks after we met, I was already feeling stuff (so dumb). This is what I wrote:

Just got back from a date. I hated the way I was only thinking about you. I feel guilty, but at the same time I know you just don't care ab me in the way I do. I shouldn't feel guilty for doing the same things you do. He took me out, he waited for me outside the door, and we went on a walk to the park, we talked so much, and when he came close he wasn't you.
I didn't want to be touched. I wanted to run into your arms.
I wanted you to be there to get that man away from me. People do stupid things when they have feelings , I try to forget ab my feelings,sometimes I talk to someone on the app, I organize a ton of dates and I never go to any of them. I said yes to this one, cause when you said "I have many girls" you made me remember about the things I try not to keep in mind, and it hurt. It hurt enough to want to forget, but then I realized it's not that simple with you. Then I ended up in this stupid situation.
I hated each time he wanted to come close to me. I hated how he couldn't understand when I said no and he just kept touching my leg, I hated the way he got mad when I said that I felt like a good friendship vibe but didn't want anything else,I hated when he got mad cause he paid an ice cream for me and I wasn't going to fuck with him, I hated the way I wanted you to be there to protect me from this stupid situation I put myself into.
I'm never doing this again.
I guess I rather be the idiot that waits for you to take her somewhere, the girl that wants to be worth it, the girl that likes you silently.
The only reason I said yes to date, it's cause I kept imagining you with another girl, taking her out to dinner, to a bar or somewhere else, and I felt so miserable. I felt like I wasn't enough, I felt like probably every other girl is worth it just not me. I got angry, not with you, with me. I said yes, pick me up at 6.
I tried so hard to feel the attraction. But it's not you.
It's not you and I want to be far away from this man who refuses to take me home, and I'm feeling scared, but I'm still acting like I know wtf I'm doing. So I said, my friends got my location and know all your personal information, if you don't take me home they will freak out and know something's wrong.
He took me home, he missed three red lights, I held on tight to the seat. It's only 8pm and I open the door, I run crying to my room so no one in the house can see me.
Now It's late. I miss you. I feel naive.I feel bad for trying to deceive my heart.
I feel like it doesn't matter if he makes himself look like a normal guy, men always end up being dangerous. I thought what about the way I texted him made me seem like I wanted to have sex. I though about it but I was never sexual or anything with him, I could never. My body belongs to you, and now I know that even when I want to dedicate my thoughts to someone else, I can't .
I wish you would be here. I wish you would want to look after me. I wish you would be the kind of guy that it's open to love, and I wish you weren't the one for me. Cause I know it's crazy, I know we just met, but somehow I now. I know.
I need you, but you don't.

After that I stopped using the apps, later I deleted all of them, and never looked for anyone else's attention, just you. I didn't keep trying to burn the feeling, just accepted the truth.
From that moment and on, I knew that I was in love, that I had a loyal heart, that any proximity with another man it was only going to bring pain to me, and forgetting the feeling wasn't an option.And even if I had just met you, even if you didn't even knew I had feelings yet, even if you didn't even know you where only the second man that touched me, I decided that I didn't wanted to try to forget. I didn't want to forget about my feelings, I didn't want to try to date someone else to just not suffer thinking there where other girls that you liked more. By that time, I still thought one day you were just going to stop talking to me,  a month later I understood that things where different between us.
I want to say sorry, even if by that time you already thought that I was seeing other men, sorry. Sorry not because it was relevant, but because I tried really hard to betray my feelings for you.