Referees don't fall in love.

Your attention

I wrote this before you called me. I had been crying five minutes ago. You brought calm and warmth after you talked to me, cause probably if you hadn't, I would have kept feeling like this all night.

It's 11pm. I'm still waiting for you to text. I'm at work, the kids are in bed, my heart is aching tonight. They cried the whole night, they don't want me to leave.
Tonight the 4yo said "I love you so much, I love you more than anyone cause my heart it's attached to yours, and it's not attached to anyone else"
Something in me crumble. The pure and soft heart of children.
What happened to us? Will she one day become the girl waiting at home for a guy to text? Will she ever still be lovely and say that boys are disgusting?
What happened to you? Where you ever a pure heart child?
There are questions that my heart cannot bare to speak. I don't speak about babies, or children, it makes me sad. I guess you can understand why.
I try not to think about it.
So tonight I try to focus on something else. I hide my luggage so the kids don't see it, cause they cry each time they remember. It makes me feel bad.
I feel empathy for them. I look at her, and then I can see myself. Crying on the couch about leaving. Crying over you not texting. Crying over all the disrespect I brought to myself by falling for you.
Now, you are too busy with your thesis, so you don't have time to pretend you care. That's the thing, I always knew, I just never saw the actions, but I knew your heart. I knew that there wasn't a place for me there and I understood it from the beginning, and I still chose to fall because you showed me some form of interest, you gave me time, and gave me space in your bed, and I wanted to love unconditionally.
So once you said that woman can't love unconditionally, even though here I am, writing about how great you are even when you forgot to text. It's a small action, but says a lot. Cause I'll understand if you don't have time, but I won't understand how can't you just let me know, that means you forgot.
I'm not angry. I wish I was angry. I wish I was crying over you not texting, but we both are smarter than that and understand that's not the reason.
I cry cause I miss you. Cause I walked 6k to buy a new dress that you liked, and spent two hours looking for a red bow, tried a thousand shoes, and now I'm not wearing them. I cry cause I feel stupid , cause I've never gave so much attention to stuff like this. Cause you bring up my feminine side.
I cry cause I'm watching that movie "he's not that into you", and I cry because I have to move on.
I'm better when I love, I'm better when I miss someone.
I'm better when I'm close to you, and I'm worse for my own heart.
I get childish around you, and I like being a mature woman. I think about the things that you like, and forget about the stuff I do.
I try to guess if you like red more than black, golden over silver. Curly hair or straight.
I feel sixteen again, picking a dress just so my crush sees me. And you are the guy trying not break the heart of the girl who has the biggest crush on you but you just don't have any feelings at all.
The good things about girls like me, it's that we break our own hearts, by falling for someone who lives in a different continent, by liking someone who is a fantasy, by watching that movie that makes us cry, by making playlist where he'll never have time to add music, by waiting for texts while you know he forgot, by putting sad music and pretending he's not one of the reasons you are sad and it's just the music.
Don't make me hate you, don't start acting cold just so I stay in my place like a good puppy.
I'll say the truth, I cry cause I missed you all week, but you only have time for me once I get horny, and not when you see my heart bleeding love. I cry cause I cooked for you again and you forgot, I ate the food alone and kept the rest just out of shame. I cry cause it took for me to get slutty for you to tell me that you might have time for me.
I cry cause I like the sex so much, but I like you better. I like the talking under the stars, and when your face shines with the moonlight, I like when I imagine how you look in the daylight, and I cry when I think that I won't get to have a special birthday with you. Cause you won't have time to go to Rivanna river with me, and I won't get a happy birthday kiss. I was born on November 23. It took my dad two weeks yo go write my name, or at least that's what I was told.
That's my real birthday, no one knows. Now it's our little secret, if you ever read me. I never told anyone, I just pretend that I like to celebrate my birthday earlier so it's easier to have people on November than on December (because of the holidays).
I found out a couple of years ago when I was going through some papers looking for my birth certificate.
So this is truth Anwar, I miss you, I wish I wasn't just good sex and a chill girl for you, but that's what I am, and the sooner I accept that, the less it will hurt to leave. The less I'll think about what could have been if I would have stayed.
The days grew shorter with the change of season, but my time felt long and excruciating when waiting for you to come around.
I miss you my love, you are not mine, but the love I have in my heart either it is, cause now it's all yours. So you are my love, in an innocent, delusional, secret way, you are my love, not mine to keep, but mine to be loved.