Referees don't fall in love.

My first

I've been trying to get this words out of my mind, each time I look at you. There's a void in my mind when I look at you. There are no words that can get me through what my body feels when you are close to me.
I've been holding back my tears as much as I can. I don't want to bother, but there's so much silence, so much paleness in my skin when it's not close to you. I'm 21 now, I thought I had my heart broken a thousand times already, I thought that I had fallen already, but now I know this is the first time.
You are my first. The first that makes me fall like this, in such a short time. It's not about who you are, is about the things my soul feels when you are in the room. I always thought that when the one that you love walks in, your stomach should grumble, you should shiver around him, you should feel like there's only sadness when he's not physically close to you. Now I know it's not. Now I know there's another side of love, where you feel, you feel so much it burns, it burns like the summer sun, not like abrasive fire. When you are around it's just peace, and I can be strong cause he's still there bringing happiness in my most by vulnerable hours. When you are around, there's happiness and there's nothing that can make me worry more than the attention I'm giving you.
There's subtle happiness, not the kind of happiness that lasts for a couple of hours or days. There's that stable and wholesome happiness. The kind of happiness that when you are not close it doesn't make me feel lonely, it just makes me get happier when the time to see you again it gets closer.
Falling felt like summer in the countryside, close to a beach,breeze and the wind blowing with the ocean smell. If I ever felt pain, it was just me getting undressed, getting all my insecurities out , getting all my fears behind.
You are not a men to me. You are a choice. You are the choice I make between looking forward the life everyone expects me to have, and between the unreasonable desires my heart has and I can't even explain or understand why.
You are a piece of god's plan in my way, and I hope he gets you in my way again, but that's his will. You are a piece of sun in an eternal winter. You are the light that brings clarity to the things I always wanted. You helped me remember who I always was, the things I wanted before my Christian family washed them away from me.
I feel on track for the first time. I don't have a home, I don't have nowhere to go, the world has felt lonely and gloomy for a long time, but I'm not lost.
I think you are not on track, you have walked away in many ways from god, but you still were able to show value to the things that I always cared about but no one would understand the value on that.
There's no shame with you, there's not a deep secret I would never be able to say, there's nothing I can keep away from you.
I don't want to say goodbye. A part of me still can't understand that you are not gonna  be there, close to my body for a long time, another part of me understands that maybe next time I see you I won't be the same person. I'm afraid you won't like me anymore , that you don't see the same in me.
I'll miss you for a long time, I'll miss you till a see you. I'll spend my time trying to some day be worthy of your touch again. I'll spend my time becoming who I always wanted to be but I was too scared to persue that .
I'll spend my time going back to the morning I woke up with you, and how you face changes when you sleep. I'll spend my time bringing back your memory each time I feel like there's no worth in what I want to be.
This last week I tried to memorize each thing about your body, but I still think I'm scared to forget how your heart sounds like, how your hot skin burns mine during the night, and how something in me giggles and sparkles each time you smile.
I'm grateful for finding you. I'm always embarrassed when I talk about god, I think most people think I'm being dumb or unreasonable when I say stuff like this, but I'll say it anyways. I think god put you in my way, cause I don't think there's any other way I can explain this.
I hope all your doubts about me disappear as we both grow older in the distance. I never felt so real. Language can't contain the special way I feel around you. Your presence makes me feel one step closer to god, even when all we do is sin, and talk about the bad things we do and what an asshole you are .  Even when you touch me and I beg for your hands on me. Even when I can't stop wishing for you to take me, to undress me with your soul and not with lust. Even when my eyes crave for yours, even when I crave for your slow motion on my body. Even when I'm crying about how deprived of your touch I'm gonna be for the next year.
You'll become the new measure of my time. It won't be days, it won't be nights, It will be the space between your lashes, the seconds left to see you again, it will be the minutes that takes me to walk to your car and all the hours I used to some on your bed.
I'm not sorry about falling. Cause even if you don't see what I do, it's worth finding out how I should feel loving, how it really feels.
I expected you, I waited long years for you, I had given up, I had forgotten who I wanted to be next to the one I love. but I found you here. In the worst place possible.
I wish I could dig a well into my heart, I wish I could help you sink in it, get soked in my blood, just so you can understand the irreversible change you did to my dna . I will never be the same. Even if some day you break my heart. Even if one day you don't like me anymore, I won't regret the words I wrote, the time I spent with you, the hours spent trying to be worthy of your love.
One day I'll grow, one day I'll change, you'll change, but the set mark will always be here, this will always be the place where I was created. Shape me like clay, touch me till I stain.
This will always be my starting point, so I can't say goodbye. I'll say I'll see you. We'll meet again, I'll be wiser and older, and you'll still have something to teach me.
Thanks for teaching me pain free, for not being another painful lesson to learn, thank you for just being a good reminder of what I am .

I dedicate this to my first true love. Now I'm wise. Now I can finally write about love. Now I'm a poet and not just a writer.
Now I have infinite words that will never be enough to show the depth of the feelings I have for you.