Referees don't fall in love.

You've read this one.

You've been crashing my dreams a couple of times. It's always bittersweet, cause I get to be with you for a couple of minutes, but then you are never there when I wake up. And it's always a reminder of my deepest desires that cannot be accomplished.
You said I'm not insecure, well you must not be looking at me the right way, cause my eyes always look sad when I leave your house, and you never seem to understand that it's just me thinking the million reasons why you'll never want to wake up with me.
Every little rejection I think it through. It's not good for me, I know, I'm changing. I'm getting better at not thinking why you don't want me. I'm trying to wake up and shake off the feeling of my head, but then I feel like something is missing all day.
I wish I would've been smarter with you, wiser, an adult, but I decided to enjoy, to flow, to keep visiting your house even when my heart burns with joy each time I see you.
I wish I would have chosen to walk away the minute I realized you were dangerous for my heart.
But I have to be honest too, your company has been one of the best things in this mad and crazy months. Your arms are the only thing I wish to hold each night after a long day of work. I wish to runaway to you each time I loose my cool and feel sad about something. I don't do it, but I want to. I want to be held hard.
I want to talk about all the things I feel but never hear 'I know'. Cause I know that you know about my feelings. I know we are both pretending to be someone else we are not. And maybe that's what the US is for us. You pretend you are not Muslim, I pretend I don't have heart, we try to be as fake as posible, be we are awfully bad at it.
It's hard to miss you from the morning till the sun goes down. It's hard then to see you after all the missing and keep my cool.
I hate rejection. I'm not used to it. I always wanted the things I can have, and maybe that's why I find my delft hating you so regularly.
You don't want me. But I do. You are just a whim. That's what I try to tell my self.
You are a whim for a girl who always works hard and gets what she wants. I cannot have you and that's what it kills me.

But when I go silent for a minute I hear my thoughts, if you were a whim, I would know that the moment I finally have you, I will stop liking you. And I don't think that's the case.
I don't think you could make me feel other than happy, other than grateful.
You are a burden on my heart, a beautiful, smart and unbearable burden. But still the greatest thing that happen to a broken heart who thought that was never going to be able to love again in the same way.
At the end of everything, you are still good for me. Now I know I've healed, and all the bad things that happened to me are merely memories of a distant past, I don't hold a grudge anymore, I don't feel like I'm always carrying a heavy heart. I feel light as a feather, I feel like all the pain is gone and I don't care anymore.
I feel my heart full again, willing to do anything for the one that makes me a better woman. You are good for me even when you are bad.
I wish I was the poison polluting all your simple thoughts, making you think twice each time you try to take your eyes of me. I wish I could step on each barrier that stops you from letting go. I wish I could step into your soul and leave a key inside, so you can always open the door I often close for everyone but you.
Put your hand into the unknown, touch the colorful dust and feel my particles dance around your fingers, get immerse on the beauty that my soul can provide and taste what being loved can feel like. Cause all the stupid stuff you care about in woman, is merely a secondary thing for me, cause that's just who I've always been, I don't have to work on me to become someone who will treat you right. Cleaning and cooking it's just a small part of the joy that I can provide.
But once again, it's not a good game to play if I have to convince you to want me. Cause you'll never want me if I had to do it.
There's beauty in loving, in letting go, but I guess there still be endless days for the both of us to find that in someone else.
I'll carry your memory back home, I'll miss you for a long time, I'll believe I cannot love that hard again, I'll cry because I still see you in every man, or because I don't see you anymore, I'll start to forget your voice and it will hurt my ears to never listen to you again, but it's life. It's the choice that we both bade, to think of love as the smallest and insignificant part of our life.
We chose, well, you did, and I accepted my faith like a castaway sailor. I accepted your words and made them my temple, I took your advice and followed it like a believer. I made you my sky in the windiest night, I made my choice to give you this piece of my heart, I made my choice when you took off my clothes and I just said please instead of no.
I'll always scream please. I'll keep doing it every time you come close to this barricaded hidden heart of mine. I'll keep screaming every time you touch me and heaven feels closer to me. I'll keep screaming yes please every time I dream of you, and will keep regretting every time I wake up without your touch.