The stars and the sun- Rudy Pankow

1 | unknown person

"And the Oscar goes to..."

the trembling voice of a young woman flooded my ears through the microphone as I sat there. I was sitting at the first row of the crowd for the Oscar awards, fiddling with the rings of my fingers as a way of calming down the nerves that were running through my body and mind.

My dress was long and blue. It had a deep v cut that revealed my collar bone in a way that left quite little to the imagination. At first when my stylist Shannon showed me the dress I was sceptical, but when my agent Abby told me this dress was our only option, I realised I have no other choice. The dress had long sleeves as I required and was covered with navy blue crystals that were the same colour as the dress. It was outstandingly beautiful, I must admit.

This was my 4th Oscar's nomination year. Winning my first Oscar four years ago when I was 18 was a turning point in my acting career. My entire life I was told by my parents that acting isn't a real job. I can either be a doctor, a lawyer or a failure. They always said that there are enough actors and actresses, so why would someone choose me over the already famous ones. All of that changed when I booked Euphoria when I was 18. Preparing for the audition I felt connected to Maddy Perez right away, I can see her reflection in my eyes.

So that was my first "best actress" award. A year later I got "best actress" again for the role of Louisa Clark in the movie Me Before You. Last year, when I was 21 I won two awards I was nominated for. "Best actress" for Kat Stratford in Ten Things I Hate About You and "best supporting actress" for young Donna in Mamma Mia 2. Acting has always been my way of showing that I'm good at something. At least one thing. My Oscar's were my way of proving that I'm not failing life completely.

Waiting for the winner of best actress to be revealed, I anxiously messed around with my necklace trying to distract my mind from the noise coming from the row behind me. I looked over my shoulders to see a group of people on the left side of the third row joking around.

They were seven young adults, looking about my ages. Two absolutely stunning young women, one was light skinned and had big heart shaped lips and sun kissed hair. The other one had quite tanned skin, she had luscious black curls that framed her soft features perfectly. The other five were all guys. A dark skinned boy with tight curls and a warm smile, a brunette with big eyes that had his arm around the blonde girl, two guys who were talking to each other, both with light brown hair and hints of a moustache. the left one had squared face, a soft undefined jaw and dimples, the other looked completely different. His jaw was so sharp and defined it looked like it could slice my body in half. His eyes were small, he had a bright smile and a mullet haircut.

The fifth boy looked quite nervous. His light blonde hair fell a little on his face as he flipped it back with a swift motion. Revealing his muscular veiny hands and the silver rings on his fingers. He looked pale and stressed as if he was just waiting for the ground to swallow him alive. The group were familiar yet I couldn't tell where I knew them from.

I looked to my right smiling at my co star and my friend Sydney sweeney. There are five other women nominated for my category. I looked back at the stage knowing this is it. It's either I win this award or my hard work for season two of Euphoria was for nothing. "And the Oscar for best actress goes to..." the tension ran through my head. I looked at the screen to see the camera zooming on my face, sharing the screen with five other cameras observing the other nominees waiting for the reaction of the winning one.

"The Oscar goes to Stella Emerson, Euphoria!" I couldn't have heard right, only that I did. The entire crowd was cheering as Sydney side hugged me. "I'm so proud of you Stell. Two Oscars for the same role, go up there it's your moment." I let out a shocked smile hugging her back. This can't be happening, I thought.

I stood up fixing my dress, waving to the crowd and cameras as I made my way to the stage, hugging my co stars on the way. The young woman gave me the award and engulfed me in a warm hug. I stood with the microphone in front of me facing the crowd. At least 2000 people were staring at me only in this room, let alone all the others watching it live stream on every platform.

"Wow thank you so much. I'm sorry I cannot believe that this is happening. I want to thank my incredible beautiful team of crew and co stars that made Euphoria everything it is. And of course one of my best friends Syd, who I met in the audition room 4 years ago, it is an honour to have you as both an on screen and off screen best friend. Thank you so much for all the appreciation and love I've been receiving online ever since I first joined the industry. my favourite part of the job is knowing what I did has inspired someone, at least one person. But getting to hear that on the street constantly is something I never even dared to wish for, I'll finch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming thank you so much!"

With that I got off the stage. Walking down I had noticed so many faces staring at me. That was definitely the most crowded award show I've ever been to. I could feel at least two thousand pairs of eyes staring at me observing my features and actions. I felt my heartbeat rising as I sped up my pace a little bit. I've always loved the job, but the attention was never a favourite of mine.

I could feel my hand starting to shake as I formed it into a fist to make it unnoticeable. I got to my seat and put the award down whispering to Sydney, "I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be back."

With my vision blurry, and the sounds around me staring to muffle, I left the room and found my way to an empty hall. I finally let my hands out of the fists as I shook them repeatedly and uncontrollably.

Why were they staring at me? Do I look bad? Maybe they saw my arms? Did they think I don't deserve it? What if the other nominees will hate me now? What if Sydney is mad that I was nominated and she wasn't? No she can't hate me, no I need Sydney everybody else hates me already she can't hate me too. They can see right through me. All the lies and the hiding who am I kidding? They think I'm some messed up idiot whose biggest fear is her own mind that trapping her inside.

The thoughts flooded my head like a wave of regret and self hatred. I got out of the room and to the balcony of the building, needing some fresh air. My vision was still blurry as I leaned against the railing looking up at the stars. I rested my elbows on the railing holding my spinning head between my hands as the thoughts crippled my body and stoned my imagination.

That was when I felt a sudden spot of warmth touching my back. Flinching at the touch of an unknown person as I always did uncontrollably, I turned around to be met with a pair of ocean blue eyes filled with worried confusion.

"Hi, are you okay?"