A fractured fairytale

74

༻ Rose's POV ༺

I couldn't believe that this was real life. It felt like I was living in a fairytale. For the first time in my life, I'd actually enjoyed my birthday. My whole life, I'd seen other kids in school boast about presents and cake and parties. They would hand out invitations to everyone, everyone except me once they realised it wasn't reciprocated. I'd begged my parents year after year for a big party with all the kids in my class and balloons and a cake and a clown and all the other things I'd heard them brag about. Every year I was told it was too expensive.

I learnt to stop asking, to stop expecting, to stop hoping they would surprise me one year with everything I'd ever dreamed of. Instead, my mum bought me a notebook each year from a local thrift shop and would make me a card that I'd leave up in my room all year round. It wasn't much but I was grateful nonetheless.

When dad started drinking, even that stopped.

My birthday became just another day. Miserable and lonely. Mom couldn't even spare the money for a notebook and some paper to make a card anymore and any attempt at celebration only made him angry.

But this year had been different. I'd never smiled so much, never laughed so much, never been surrounded by a group of people who wanted to celebrate with me. I'd gotten a little choked up when the time came that I had to leave. It felt much more like home than the cold, empty apartment.

The next morning, I was still floating. I felt butterflies in my stomach as I waited for Matt to pick me up. I'd gotten up early and squeezed in some reading time with one of my new books. I left most of them with Matt but snuck a few into my room and buried them beneath my bed. I then got ready for school, spending a little extra time trying to look my best, although I was limited to what I could do.

I brushed my hair within an inch of its life and used lip gloss to stick my brows in the right place so they didn't look messy like they usually did. I borrowed my mum's eyelash curler and applied some concealer around my eyes and dapped tinted lip gloss to my lips, making myself feel a little more confident. I wanted Matt to think I looked good. I wanted him to look at me the way he did yesterday before he... before he kissed me in a place I'd certainly never been kissed before.

I blushed just from the thought.

I hadn't expected to enjoy it. Hadn't expected him to enjoy it. But the grin he had on his face afterwards made me feel more confident and comfortable in my own body than I ever had. Matt made me feel desirable, wanted and beautiful with a single look.

I wanted that look again.

The butterflies flared up again when my phone vibrated with a message. It was him. I had a stupid grin as I opened the message, but it fell away as I read it.

Hey, somethings come up. I won't be able to make tutoring this morning and Alex is going to come and pick you up – I'll explain later x

Just like that, my excitement crumbled. My stomach twisted into knots as I reread and reread the message. Something has come up. I knew that could mean a number of things, knew there were hundreds of reasons he wasn't outside my door right now. And yet, I couldn't shake the worry that maybe, I was the reason.

Immediately, tears welled in my eyes. I'd been hesitant about what we had done yesterday, had been anxious about the consequences of being so intimate. But he'd made me feel so safe and secure. And I so desperately wanted to take that next step with him. I wanted to be comfortable with him. Now, my insecurities swirled through my head. Had I not shaved properly? Had I not tasted right? Did it smell? Was I too quick, too eager? Maybe he'd thought I was pathetic, so desperate for him, so easy.