Clandestine | 18+

00~Nightmare

But he didn't realize I had the upper hand. He didn't realize that it only took me to get my gun and shoot him. Kill him. End his life. End his teenage years. End his.. freedom? End him by killing him and killing his chances.

But I didn't want to. Deep down I remembered his soft hands on mine, around my hips, his soft breath against my neck, his sweet words near my parted lips.

"Estelle.. I just don't understand." Arine sighted. Her voice filled with many emotions that I couldn't put a name to at the moment. She seemed confused, disappointed and mostly.. sad and hurt.

"What don't you understand?" I responded back, just coming back to reality.

I needed to stop looking at the past, I needed to stop remembering it. But I truly couldn't. Those moments that I lived in, I got through them; those moments that I was feeling weak, I defeated them; those moments that I felt anger raise to my chest, my mind, my heart and blind me, those moments that I just wanted to pull the trigger but I hesitated which backfired on me, I ran past them.

Those moments that I kept remembering and reliving, those moments that I woke up shaking and crying myself to sleep, that was something I hadn't fixed. That was something I hadn't forgotten.

Even though we might try and try to make the impossible possible, sometimes the easiest things like forgetting was unreachable.

Remembering was a curse sometimes. It haunted you day and night, awake and asleep, alone or with your friends. It would always find you and touch you, touch your heart no matter how big was the crowd. The bigger the crowd, the bigger they would hit.

Trying to get away from the guilt you had buried in your chest was deeper than anything. Guilt was a really sweet thing.  It haunted you more than your memories. Memories and guilt were best friends. In every memory there was guilt. There was doubt. There was denial.

But all those come from the very one factor.

Remembering.

"I don't understand you." Arine sighted. Again.

"Me?" I replied almost instantly. My voice not helping in hiding the shock I felt.

"Yes, you. You're Estelle Adler Camelli right? Or wait, is someone else on the line?" She laughed it off with a scoff to make the irony visible.

"Yes, I'm Estelle. Now talk." I laughed rolling my eyes.

Arine sighed for the third time. She took a deep breath to start her speech, I guess. Not the first time and I bet not the last.

"Estelle, look. Don't take this the wrong way, but yesterday I saw that you were more distant on the way to the club. You know what I mean? It was like you weren't there. I just want to know what is bothering you, because I feel like there is something you aren't telling me. "

Arine was right. I hadn't told her the entire story of what happened 2 years ago. The story that triggered me. I hadn't told her on what happened 7 years ago, which is the reason why I haven't told her about my job. But I knew I was stronger than those moments. I knew if I could pass those, I could pass these without any help.

And these past years? I was acting so well that sometimes I was even tricking myself.

But I was slowly healing.

"Arine, I don't know what you saw but I think you must be mistaken.. Maybe I was lost in thought who knows?" The lie smoothly ran out of my mouth. I didn't want to start a conversation with something personal. I trusted her, but not myself. "I think I'm still drunk. My head hurts." I continued the lie so I could close the call.