Koroshiya 殺し屋 ⋮ Fushiguro Toji

Chapter 40

"WAIT—"

Satoru's thumbs press against the screen of his phone rapidly. He finishes up a text message and places his phone into the back pocket of his pants. He continues to wait for your unexcused answer.

You dig desperately into your pocket, "—it was right here!!"

His stony eyes were unrelenting. How could you possibly lose something like that?, "Why was it off in the first place?"

"I took it off to wash my hands!"

He's not convinced. Many people leave their wedding bands on, no matter the activity. Something that exorbitant would not tarnish from something as simple as a hand wash, "Did Toji put you up to this?"

"What?" you say and you knew you had to go through this again for the umpteenth time. No matter the length of time, it's always about Toji, "No!"

"Then what is this?!" He grabs your wrist and flails it in front of you to question the bruising.

"Just let me explain!"

People expect love to be easy. They expect it to be laughter, a world of flowers and perfect moments as portrayed in movies. We expect love to always say the right things, know exactly how we feel and exactly how to respond when things go awry. We expect love to calm us down when we're all yelling and chase us when we run away. We expect so much that when it doesn't go according to plan that we feel completely and utterly defeated.

"I'm tired of explanations already." Satoru shows no sympathy. He didn't know how much more he could endure. He was out of reasons to try and even if he continues, there would be no rationale behind any of it.

The thing about love is that it's never meant to be a plan. A lot of times love happens accidentally. And when love does happen, it is the most beautiful yet incredibly messy experience that anyone can ever go through.

You wear a mournful look. You were just as emotionally spent, so you don't explain.

But, sometimes, love is also about letting go. The truth is, it didn't matter how long or how tightly you held on to each other. At the end of the day, what's meant for you, will always be yours. As hard as it seemed in this present moment, one day, the two of you will look back and realize that it didn't matter how hard you held onto the wrong things. Or how much the two of you tried to reconcile. Because, all along, the right things were unfolding in the most unexpected ways.

You'll repeat it again as you always had done so in the past. And you'll repeat it one last time because he needs to hear it, "Satoru. I hate that you're so egotistical. I hate that you don't consider my feelings. I hate that you treat my friends like they don't matter—"

The white-haired male stuffs his hands into his pockets as your voice rises.

"—and maybe I'm just misunderstanding you! I don't know! I don't know anymore! Cause you're so terrible at showing me how you really feel! Half the time you don't take me seriously! You didn't even let me answer when you proposed!!! What about me? What about what I want? I'm so tired of trying to be everything you want and need me to be without disregarding myself!!"

Yes, it's the idea of you that he's in love with. But it goes without saying that you were also wearing the same shoes. This you both realized all too late.

"Do you hate me?" he asks stoically.

"No." His impassive manner has you flustered. Does he even care? But you remain honest, "No...I don't hate you. I could never hate you."

There were a lot of things Satoru wish he could have changed and there were a lot of things that you wished you could have changed also. Creatures of habit will find it difficult to adapt to such a large degree of change. But there's no growth if you don't get out of your comfort zone. Although rather quiet, Satoru's mind is the loudest it's ever been—he doesn't show it.