You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part forty-seven

Phil P.O.V.

Forgotten. 

That was how I felt in one word. No one's spoken to me since Chris went home, not that I'm surprised. I missed his company. In fact, I just missed people. 

I always thought I was quite introverted, but when I constantly had Dan around he filled my social needs. Now I just craved talking and the sense of knowing someone was there, I couldn't stand being alone. I wanted to go out so I could have some form of human interaction and strike up a conversation at the first opportunity I had before the loneliness drove me insane. 

I missed him though. I missed Dan. It wasn't just our relationship I missed, I missed our friendship too. That was what I valued most, but now I've lost it. Either way, I hoped he was happy, whatever he was doing. 

 There I go again, putting myself second best, like always. 

I suppose I cared too much about people which was both a blessing and a curse in itself. I've never really been able to do things for myself, I always had to make sure it benefited others first. In a way it was good that other people mattered to me, but more than often it meant I suppressed my emotions to take care of my friends' feelings than deal with my own. Eventually though they would build and build and build until I would just explode and release them all at once, like I did that night I caught Dan kissing PJ. I suppose that night I wasn't just upset at that - after all, I did see it coming - but it was a good excuse to totally break down. 

I felt guilty about that night, between pushing Dan away and yelling at Chris, I still had a lot of apologizing to do, but Chris wouldn't accept my apology no matter how many times I tried, saying he totally understood and that it didn't matter. I haven't even had the chance to apologize to Dan, but maybe he just didn't care about me anymore since he hadn't gotten in touch.

It had been a few days since I last saw Dan, but I was just grateful he was alive with no damage done to him. I still didn't know where he went, but those questions could wait, after all they weren't really all that important. I was going crazy about him though, I would do anything to have him back. 

I went through my lonely days trying to act like normal. After waking up on the floor then falling asleep back on the sofa for an extra seven hours, I had tried to pull myself together, finding comfort in replying to fans and laughing at their comments. 

I was also playing video games a lot more than usual since I remembered how much they drew me in and left me unable to think about anything else so I could totally switch off from the world. In these hours I spent doing so, I learnt how to entertain and laugh at myself, but also how to be satisfied with my own company. 

I placed my controller down after four hours of playing Crash Bandicoot and decided to have a shower. I felt a sense of achievement as Muse blared through my speakers while I washed, I could now listen to Dan's favourite band without breaking down in tears - the first time in a while. 

I jumped out and dried myself off, thinking nothing of going into Dan's room and putting on one of his shirts since we shared our clothes a lot anyway. Allowing myself to remind myself of his scent was almost like a treat since I had been totally restrictive to not letting myself do barely anything that had memories associated with Dan. 

I put in the effort and time to blow dry and straighten my hair since I felt strangely good about myself today. I inspected my features in the mirror and found I didn't look as ill as before - my eyes were clear and looked more like their normal colour, my skin was back to its milky paleness instead of a washed out grey and I just in general looked better. 

I had a good feeling in my gut, like something positive was going to happen. I didn't let my hopes get too high though and went into the kitchen, pouring out cereal and putting on the kettle. With each passing second I was feeling more like myself, not the miserable 26 year old that had spent his last three weeks being heartbroken and spending too much quality time with the sofa. 

When I finished breakfast I left my dishes on the side, frowning at the huge pile that was already there. I questioned how one person could go through so many plates, and then I remembered my appetite and laughed to myself. 

I heard a knock at the door and I narrowed my eyes with curiosity as I went over and thought about who it could possibly be.

I pulled the door open and froze as I saw Dan. A million thoughts raced around my head with questions of why he was here. 

Is he moving out? 

Has he came to pack his stuff? 

Is he finally leaving me?

But for some reason, I didn't worry. I had a good feeling about this. A change in my expression told him I didn't know what to say so he cleared his throat nervously. 

"Phil... I'm not sure how to say this properly but... Take me back?" Yes! I internally screamed and wasted no time in enveloping him tightly in a hug. The arms that I had missed so dearly wrapped around my waist and pulled me close to him. Now I felt safe and secure, I could breathe easier. 

"I missed you so much." 

"I missed you too, I'm so sorry Phil," his voice broke and he burst into tears halfway through his sentence, hiding his face in mine - well his - shirt. 

"Hey it's okay, you're home now," home. I hadn't used that word in a while, after all, home is where the heart is, and now I had Dan back I felt complete again. I released him and took his hand and led him inside onto the sofa. 

 I sat crossed legged, facing him and he did the same, taking both of my hands in his and sighing. 

"I was scared you were just going to kick me out again," he chuckled, not meeting my eyes. 

"I still love you too much to lose you," I said quietly, watching him intently, trying to read every move. 

"I know, and I'm sorry. I don't deserve you at all." 

"Talk to me," I urged. There were questions burning in the back of my mind that I had to know. "Where did you go?" 

"San Francisco, I had to get away from the mess I had made. I'm such a coward, and I'm not saying that for you to defend me, it's true and you know it." 

"But you came back." 

"I made my decision, but it was the wrong one." 

"So after me you went to him? What happened?" 

"I told him I loved him and he rejected me, saying he fell in love with Chris. I don't doubt a word he said, I could see how much he loved him but I didn't want to believe it. We had a bit of an argument then I left and stayed at Alex's for a while. Today PJ called me saying to go over and I did. He told me I didn't love him and that I was only going to him because I was scared that you weren't going to take me back. I kissed him just to make sure, and he was right," he paused for a moment to catch his breath then started talking again. "And then I realised how much I loved you, and now I'm here," only when he finished his eyes slowly went from our hands and then looked at me. "I'm sorry, I really am sorry after everything I put you through. If you want to yell at me, go ahead, it's the least I deserve." 

"I'm not angry at you Dan, I'm just glad you're back. I love you so much, we can work this out... if you want," I quickly added, not wanting to force him into anything. 

"Oh my God, yes, I'm not going to mess up this time, I promise." 

"I believe you," I smiled and kissed him. 

He's back. 

He's here. 

My soul mate. 

My Danosaur. 

Back.

"I'm tired," Dan announced. I uncrossed my legs and opened my arms where Dan jumped into them eagerly, his head on my shoulder and arm around my stomach. I smiled to myself as I listened to Dan drift off. I couldn't believe my luck. 

"I love you, Dan Howell."