Finding myself

10. Last night in my bed

Bill walks into the room holding up a folder, "I went through your data and found out we don't need to perform the DNA test. We have your father's name in our database already. We've already informed your father and he will be picking you up tomorrow morning." he exclaimed an excited look in his eyes. I can't tell if he was excited to get rid of me or happy that I found a family. I don't really care.

"Can I go home then?" I asked sniffling. This is getting exhausting. I needed to go somewhere I knew I was not being watched.

"I'm sorry your-" I cut him off suddenly.

"B-but I need to pack my stuff... a-and my d-dads." I hate the word dad. Someone that's supposed to take care of you your whole life. Support you in your times of need. It's not what I had gotten. For that, I hate the Bernards. I will keep my last name the way it is. I would rather be associated with Steve than with the French mafia.

"Fine you can go" he gave in with a sigh. I quickly jumped out of the chair, heading for the door. "I will call you tomorrow when your new family gets here." I don't bother answering as I'm already halfway through the door.

People look into my detection many standing up getting ready to trample me thinking I was escaping. I help my hand up in front of me silencing them.

"My dad just died I don't need you guys doing this right now" I let a tear roll down my face. Acting as if I was truly sad about his death. I could have said I killed him in self-defence, which would be the truth but, will the police force who have been trying to stop me for over 3 years really believe my sob story?

I walk out of the door heading for my house. Once I arrived I started packing. My clothes, guns, knives, first aid kit. God knows I'll need that. I also packed toiletries and medication. Pain killers to be more exact.

I don't know how I'm going to bring my bike with me. They obviously live in France. And I don't want to pay for my bike to be shipped overseas, I have a rich "family" I could ask. They would do it if they wanted to redeem this relationship. That is, if they aren't like my father.

There aren't many things I am scared of, but losing the people I love is one of the things. That going with my very obvious trust issues, doesn't exactly make friends. People like to be let in, to feel special, I can't do that. It goes the same with the people that believe in things like "I can change him." I've been told the sentence "Let me in I can help you" and all they did was create another lair of pain. Another reason to push them away. Another wall that will never be taken down.

Writing in my journal will be a thing of the past after tonight. Tomorrow morning I will burn the book and all it had inside. No one will find my secrets, my fears, my desires. They will become ash as I burn the essence of my past. One more day. The rest won't be documented.

October 4, 2023

I'm going to live with my family. My fucking biological family. The one who didn't want me when I was taken by my mom, didn't want me when she died and most definitely doesn't want me now.

I'm on my own, forever. Everyone I love dies. Even just everyone around me. I kill everyone around me, despite whether I love them or not. I always kill the people I love. Somehow I'm going to end up killing the entire leading family of the French mafia. I just know I will. Even if I grow close to them.

Deep down I know, the look my brother gave me when he knew who I was. The way he rushed me to the hospital. I know they might end up loving me the way a family should. And that's fucking terrifying. What if I love them? What if I get close to them? My dad will die because of age, my brothers will die because of me. I killed my other brother, what makes anyone think I won't do it to them? I killed my mom. I killed their mom. They won't have a motherly figure ever because of me.

No wonder they didn't want me. I murdered the only person they could ever call a mother.

Why do I have to hurt everyone around me? Why am I always a problem? I have no one. And that's how I should be. I shouldn't have anyone. If I let people in they will get hurt. They will die

Shut them all out. Show them how much of a cold-hearted bitch you are.

An
Words 1647

Don't know if you guys like the journal stuff, I like to write it. Hope you like the story.

I don't have a writing schedule because I have stuff going on at the moment that I can't always find time to write.

I'm starting to believe she will never open up to her family. What do you think?

She meets her family next chapter. I'm excited.

Thank you for making it this far in my story!

This is a very slow-moving sort of thing but I kinda like that idk about you guys though.

Comment, vote?

Dominique <3