Bada x Howl: Standing Next to You

XXI. Strain (Bada POV)

Bada puts her feet up and rests her head on her knees, grateful for a moment of reprieve, The sky is still dark with early light just peeking through; she is in a private car to Daegu for the fifth SWF2 concert. Throughout SWF2 and right after their win, she had a surge of adrenaline and energy that seemed endless, propelling her from concert to interviews to photoshoots to rehearsals with ease. This week was the first time she started to feel the effects of her post-show sprint, her muscles growing sore and her mind weary.

Her thoughts float to Howl. She was used to a busy schedule but never at this intensity. It got to the point that even though they lived together, they hardly had any time to spend together. Their relationship weighed on her mind, though she had little time or energy to do much about it.

She was increasingly recognized in public which made both of them wary, especially Howl, given they hadn't been public about their relationship. The small rituals that anchored them - such as outings to their favorite neighborhood restaurants and cafes - were now tinged with anxiety as their privacy in public spaces grew smaller. She often came home after he was asleep and left before he awoke; their physical intimacy, something that always came naturally, dwindled.

She had thought things might cool down after the show because she hadn't actually expected to win. She had entered the competition with her young Bebe team, wanting to prove her abilities and hopefully place in the top 4. Their momentum throughout the show, propelled by her unprecedented popularity, led them to a victory none of them saw coming. After the show, the opportunities flooded in at a rate that she couldn't keep up with: photoshoots, sponsorships, interviews, concerts. As someone who used to have difficulty saying no, she now had to decline nearly half the things that came her way by the sheer limit of the number of hours in a day.

Howl had always been her biggest supporter, including getting her through stressful and emotional times during SWF2. Her schedule was hard on them though he never complained - oddly, this almost made her feel worse. It was temporary, they reassured each other. Still, as her following grew each day to make her one of the most popular dancers globally, a part of her was worried that this exceptional circumstance would be their new normal going forward.

******************

"Are you mad?" she asks. She had been anxious all day to tell him the news, and his non-reaction unsteadied her nerves.

He shakes his head. "No, of course not. I'm just....disappointed." His words make her feel worse. It would've almost been better had he gotten angry; at least then she could've leaned under the cover of righteousness. But the fact that he simply seemed dejected, pierced her.

Her last work commitment was supposed to be her SWF2 show on 12/30, after which they agreed their week-long vacation would start, with her accompanying him to Cheonan to celebrate New Year's. However, the organizers of Fuerza Bruta invited her for two encore performances, on 12/29 and 12/31. She felt indebted to them given dancers were rarely invited to this type of show so she accepted it without hesitation. What's just one more day, she thought, but she also knew this was the nth time of many that she had changed or canceled their plans.

"But it's just one more day," she attempts.

He downs the glass of water, setting it down on the counter a bit louder than usual.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

He takes a breaths and finally looks up into her eyes. "It's not just one more day. It's not about this one time. It's about...all these past months."

******************

Bada walks over and falls on the couch, stunned. Their conversation felt like a blur, and the apartment echoed with the sound of the front door closing.

She knew there was something brewing, that the stress of these past months couldn't just dissipate into thin air. They finally had a frank talk about the strain their relationship had been under, from the invasive public scrutiny to the impossible schedules to their neglect of their relationship. Neglect - that was the word he used.

He insisted he was proud of her, that he didn't want her to feel like she was to blame; this of course only exacerbated her guilt. Their relationship had largely been so stable she hadn't realized how much she took it - him - for granted. She initially defended herself, emphasizing the unusual circumstances they were in and the temperamental nature of their industry. However, when he revealed his disappointment that she hadn't checked in with him about his father's latest chemo results, she was stunned to silence. He was hardly one to ask for things, so she knew this must've hurt him deeply. She had always prided herself on being proactive about looking out for his needs, and she hadn't realized how much she'd fallen short.

And that was when he suggested it: a break.

Not a break-up, he reassured. Just a two-week break to give them time permission to focus on themselves the rest of the year without worrying they were putting pressure on the other. It'd be a break from seeing other in person, limited phone calls and texts - a break from the normal obligations of a relationship. He offered to stay with Hulk so she could stay at their apartment. They'd spend Christmas and New Year's with their families, respectively, and come back to Seoul together in the new year. He said it was something one of his close friends had done with his girlfriend when their relationship was on the rocks, and it served them successfully.

She's ambivalent but agreed. This concept was new to her, and she was anxious if this hid a bigger riff that he didn't want to outright admit. Still, she couldn't offer an alternative. Her next weeks were just as packed and if she insisted they stay as they were, she couldn't offer any meaningful change from the situation that got them here in the first place.

After he leaves, she initially feels relief; she could now be completely preoccupied with her work without the weight of constant guilt. However, the relief is slowly overshadowed by longing as she climbs under the covers of an empty bed. She feels an immediate urge to call him back, but she restrains herself. She knows he would come back if she insisted, but she had nothing different to offer him, at least not in the immediate term.

It takes her a long while to fall asleep, the apartment and bed feeling unusually chilly no matter how she turned up the thermostat.

******************

The next days are harder than she expects. She's thankful for work because it keeps her distracted, but every time she's not on stage or before a camera, she feels depleted.

She missed him, more than she even could've guessed. She had expected to miss him at night when she felt most alone or in the moments of stress when she reached for comfort. But she found she missed him most throughout the day, during the good moments. When something funny happened at SWF2 rehearsals, he was the first person she wanted to tell. When she got her hair and make-up done for a photoshoot, he was the only person she wanted to send a selca to. When her fans gifted her delicious desserts, she wanted to save them for him to try.

Every other week she felt she was fighting for time, not having enough hours. Now, she felt she was fighting against it, and the days couldn't pass slower.