JORDAN

THIRTY; STUPID

But he wasn't here, so I settled the raging thoughts by drinking away my sorrows. If I drank enough, I wouldn't care who I ended up in bed with and then I can well and truly wipe away the memory that one precious night gave me, just like he has.

"Hey." I fell down on the stairs next to the shy boy with marmalade coloured hair. I roughed it up with my fingers like I was petting a shaggy dog. "What's your name handsome?"

"Alex." He mumbled, a little confused as to why I was talking to him in the first place.

"You look like you read a lot of books Alex." I drank my concoction. It went from being 90% coke, 10% vodka at the start of the night to the complete opposite formula.

"Thanks, I think?" I smiled, he was a quiet boy. Easy to manipulate into bed I bet.

"Do you know Jordan, Alex?"

"Jordan? Which Jordan?"

"Peers. Jordan Peers."

"The soccer player? Yeah I know who he is."

"Of course you do, everybody knows who he is."

Alex laughed, "and still, you say that with such hostility. We're not really friends though. Why do you ask?"

"Yeah you're not really the type of person he would be friends with Alex, no offence. He doesn't hang out with nice boys. He hangs out with mean boys who bully people and hurt them and none of them apologise for it because they're too entitled for that."

"Oh."

"You know what, Alex? I'm going to tell you something you probably don't already know, I had sex with him." Alex scratched his head, this revelation made him feel uncomfortable. "It was really, really good... immensely good, and now I can't stop thinking about doing it again."

"Oh, ok. I'm happy for you?"

"Are you Alex? 'Cause I'm not. I don't want to like him. I was just sexually attracted to him so I wanted to have sex. He really hurt someone I cared about and I can't be with someone like that so I refuse to lead him on. It was a one time thing." I drank out of my cup. "I never wanted to enjoy it but I did and I'd love to do it again but I think he'll expect more next time. More than just sex. So I can't carry on being friends or frienemies with him. Now he's off with that Julia Benzoyl. I hate that. I hate him, do you get any of that?"

He shook his head really slowly like he was skeptical of this whole conversation. I think he wanted to leave.

"I hate him because he makes me like him. And I know what you're going to say, Alex."

I think I was saying his name too much but I just didn't want to forget it.

"Just date him. I can't. I know what it's like, ok? To have the people you trust most in the world betray you. To have them snatch you from your perfect little bubble wrapped life and dump you in the center of a shit storm where you don't know what is going on or who you can trust."

I grabbed his shoulder and gave him an intense, burning look.

"Alex, my man, my buddy, I can't do that to Olivia. She's my best friend I won't betray her like they betrayed me. So me and Jordan," I sliced my finger across my neck signalling death and Alex shuffled away from me a little. "Totally over."

"Again, I'm happy for you?"

"So me and you Alex, it's our turn. It's our time. Hell, it's our year. Let's go and fuck Jordan Peers right out of our system."

"Jordan Peers is not in my system. He has never been in my system and I doubt he ever will be."

"Trust me, my brother, Jordan Peers is in everyone's system. He's like a computer virus. Where is he tonight anyway?"

"I don't know, like I said, we're not friends but there's some of the soccer team over there, maybe you should ask them."

"You're a good guy Alex." I gave him a well deserved pat on the back. "You stay a good guy and don't ever let no peers man bring you down."

I stumbled my way over to the soccer players, the floor felt like it was moving beneath my feet and I couldn't maintain a perfect balance so I fell right into them.

"Woah dude, you ok?" One of them asked, grabbing my arm to stabilise my body. 

"Where's Jordan?" I cut straight to the chase.

"I don't know, he's not here tonight."

"Why? Is he sick? He never misses a party."

"He hasn't come to any parties with us in the last three weeks we've been back on campus. We think he's got a new girl keeping him on the straight and narrow. The loser has actually been keeping up with his assignments as well. He's probably too busy studying or some shit."

"Girl, are you okay? You're swaying everywhere." Another soccer player asked me.

"I drank vodka."

"Yeah dude that's pretty clear. Look you need me to call someone for you? Or take you home? Do you need me to put you to bed?"

I pushed them away and then hobbled off very drunkenly out onto the campus grounds. It was very dark and windy outside but I walked down the road, swaying everywhere because I couldn't keep my steps walking in a straight line.

"New girl." I muttered crazily to myself. "Fucking Julia. Don't give me that fucking shit about how she got to him first. He liked her before he liked me, I don't want to hear it. I know how he looks at me. He likes me. That's why I pulled back. For him. How dare he get a new girl. Is she a rebound? Have they had sex? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Jordan. Stupid. Stupid stupid. Me. Stupid stupid stupid Julia. Stupid bully. Stupid Olivia. Stupid high school. Stupid jocks. Stupid family. Stupid car."

I kicked his much loved car and then fell to the ground holding my foot in pain. 

I took out my keys, I wanted to slice through his paint work with my dorm key but I clumsily dropped them to the floor and then banged my head on the car door when I went to pick them back up.

It was not my day.
Nor was it my finest hour.

I shimmied my body back on the hood of his car and tilted my face towards the sky, breathing in the fresh air made me feel drunker somehow.

I was drunk on air, now that's a whole new level of drunk.

I closed my eyes, feeling the atoms of my body merge, being one with nature, alcohol and his luxurious car.

I had made my decision, since Caoimhe kicked me out, this was my bed for the night.

If I couldn't sit on his face, I would just have to settle for sitting on his bonnet.