DANCING PUPPETS

16 December, 2023

These days I have been too selfish and I feel kind of sad about it but I just cannot stop myself. These days I just do not want to adjust, I do not, I want things to go my way although from the time I have born they never did, not talking to those people who don't listen to  me and not even listening but don't go the way I want, sometimes or most times these days those who are willing, I don't even want to tell them which way to go ,what to do so that i am content but I want them to know by theirselves.

I know I've been too selfish right?

Although I know I am not too much of a person who socialize, I have many people who know me and many people I know but here I am talking about the closeness you have with someone. I cannot get close to just anyone and I need quite a time for that. I have only a few people who are close to me and now I've been too selfish that I am losing them one by one (huh they're not more than 2-3 people ig?).
These days I just want them to be my puppets, I want them to dance the way I want and the one who do not fit my fingers but moves on its own, I feel it's defective and throw it away, that aside I feel quite bad but I cannot help cornering them. I know I am nothing like the others who have those qualities to make people go their way and talk about those qualities after you have common communication skills to make people understand what you're trying to say. There are those people (2-3) who are trying to communicate with me and asking okayy okayy but atleast tell us what you want me to do, what is that hurted you? (considering my mental health maybe? Usually they never listen to me) but I just do not want to tell them. I have an unavoidable habit of distancing myself but these days I am not even distancing but I am just putting people who don't go my way in a corner. Not a surprise that now I am alone completely, not even a single person is with me ,obviously this world works like that , no one is going to listen to you , no one will go your way, no one cares if you die, it's just a casuality of little days but either way their life goes on just fine with or without you until you're someone they were getting benefitted of. They'll only miss you because now you're not there to benefit them and not because you have gone.
In my hard times I've always found myself alone and those who sometimes wanted to accompany me somehow were never able to comfort me, even if that's a different thing. It's been long since I have realised you can never really hear what you want to unless, it's a coincidence and it's still not certain that its from the person you want hear or when hearing it, it affects you the same as you thought. You are the only one who  has to be with yourself and you have to be able to go through things and situations alone.