Our love couldn't go wrong

Chapter Twenty-Two :

Shayne wakes up that night in a panic, sweat soaking his shirt and sticking his hair to his forehead. His breath hitches as he sits up, arms trembling as they try to support his weight. There's a part of him that wants to close his eyes again, but he's scared that if he does, he'll see it again. He'll see...her again.

A small movement next to him lets him know that Courtney is beginning to stir, quick to rub his face with his hands in an attempt to make himself look less distressed. It doesn't work.

"Shayne? What's wrong, w-what happened?" She asks, sleep still clear in her voice as she shuffles closer to him. Her hand reaches out for his arm and it takes everything within him not to flinch at her touch. "It's okay," She offers. There's hesitance in her voice, like she doesn't know what to do or say, and he wants to reach out to her and tell her it isn't her fault, but all he can see is the picture from her dream. It felt so real; it was so real. It haunts him. "Hey, talk to me." She's sat upright now, knees drawn to her chest protectively but arm stretched out towards him, holding his hand tightly in her own.

"Go back to sleep, Courtney, it's fine."

He doesn't mean for his voice to come off as rough as it does and he hates himself for the way she shrinks into herself, but he wants her to back off. He can't let himself need her, right now.

"Can't," She pouts, squeezing his hand lightly in a way that has him slamming his eyes shut. Stop it, Shayne. "You're upset - I can't sleep knowing something's wrong. Let me be here for you, this once."

Taking a deep breath in, he forces his eyes open before he turns back to face her. The bruises on her face have almost completely faded in the past two weeks, but if he focuses hard enough, he can still make out the yellowish shadow under her eye, and the pink skin along her hairline where she's scarring. "I had a nightmare," He starts, scanning her face for any signs of disgust. He's not surprised to see there's nothing but openness, kindness, but he almost wishes that she would stop him there. "I-I...he...I wasn't there. I left you alone and I came back and you were gone, he had taken you and I was helpless. It was too late. He'd already...you were dead. It was so real, it felt so real - I was holding you in my arms and you were cold, I-I couldn't find a pulse and you weren't breathing, a-and he was stood there laughing, covered in your blood."

Green eyes widen slightly as he speaks, but she keeps eye contact through it all, thumb brushing against the back of his hand until he's done. It's clear she doesn't know how to react, but it takes him by surprise when she leans forward and wraps her arms around him, his head nuzzling into her neck.

"It was just a dream. A bad dream. I'm here, I'm safe and I always will be safe with you." There's an unwavering certainty in her words, like she so strongly believes that he is capable of protecting her. He wishes he could have her hope.

"What if I can't protect you? I've failed you before, what if I fail you again? I can't lose you," Tears swell in his eyes and he blinks, willing them not to fall. He can't let himself cry in front of her - he's meant to be the strong one, he can't let her see how weak he truly is.

Courtney pulls back, gently lifting his face up so she's looking at him. Soft fingers brush against his cheek, wiping a stray tear he couldn't stop falling. There's no hatred in her eyes, just...love.

He doesn't deserve her kindness.

"You never failed me. I promise you, you have been my lifeline these past years; even before all of this. You're my best friend, Shayne, I love you so much, I've always felt safe with you." She seems so sure, so truthful, and he's hit by the wave of guilt as he thinks about work this afternoon. He knows he won't always be there to keep her safe and it scares him, but he's more scared of her blind trust in him. He can't keep lying to her. "What's going on in that head of yours, Shayney?"

"If...if something happened, i-if one of us ever saw Jason when you weren't there...would you want to know? Would you feel better to stay safe but be scared, or would you rather be unaware of the risk?"

She hesitates, eyes glancing downwards as she hums in thought.

Please, Courtney, let me tell you.

"I know that whatever happens, you all would do everything to look after me. That's all I need to know. And if everything still isn't enough, that's okay, too - I'm starting to make peace with that possibility. You can't change destiny, right?" She moves to stand up and he watches as she walks over to her bag, rummaging through it until she pulls out her journal. He didn't realise she found out he packed it those few weeks back. "I think we need to have a serious conversation. I think it's time to talk about it, properly, about what might happen and what I want to happen if it does."

"No, Court-"

"Shayne, please," She pleads, sitting down once more as she flicks through the pages until she's at the back of her diary. There's a card folder on the back page, which she opens up to pull out four envelopes with names scrawled on the front of them, "If...If I die, I need you to give these to my dad, sister, and mom, okay?" She passes him three of the envelopes and he skims over the names: 'Daddy, Kari, Mom'. It's hard to ignore the fourth envelope she keeps in her hand, fiddling with the corner as she looks away from him. "This one is yours. I...you mean everything to me and I've always been scared that there are some things I'll never get the chance to say, but you've got to promise me that you'll only open it if I'm dead. Promise me, Shayne?"

"I promise, Courtney." He watches her sigh, clumsily shoving the letter back into the folder and closing her journal, putting the book back into her back. She pats it, as though reassuring herself it's away and safe.

"You've got to promise me something else. Can you promise me that if anything happens, you won't try and be my hero? I know that you'll protect me, but I need you to protect yourself - I can't live with myself if anything happens to you?"

Everything within him wants to protest her request, scream at her 'and you think I can lose you?'. He feels stuck between a rock and a hard place, but it doesn't really surprise him that she's asked him that. She's always cared more about others than she cares about herself. He just wishes she can see how amazing she is, how much worth she really has.

"I can't promise you that. It's not fair of you to make me promise that. I won't let anything happen to you, no matter what it takes."

"That's what I was scared of."