Foolish one

Chapter 19

The next few months passed quite quickly. We were still leading the league and I had finally gotten my first call up to the national team. We were going to camp after the games this weekend. I was actually quite excited for it. The call had come after a training when we were all sitting in the changing room. Everyone was happy for me, another one of their friends had made it to the national team.

During the months that had passed my therapist wanted me to write letters whenever something happened, whenever I felt strong feelings. Just as a way to calm myself down and get the feelings out. No one would read these letters except me.

I wrote the first letter after we had celebrated Christmas with my brother in Tarragona.

Dear reader mom
Is that a proper way to start a letter? No one will read these anyway, so I guess I will have to decide that it is. I feel so stupid writing letters for no one to read.

Maybe I should address these letters to you mom. It would feel less weird writing to someone than not writing to anyone, even if you are dead.

Yesterday was Christmas, it is supposed to be a happy holiday. But how easy is that when a key part of your family is missing. I went to the graveyard in the morning, alone.
It's hard, because I want to tell my mom everything that has happened. And the only way to do that is talking to her grave. I just could not get a single word out. I tried my hardest, I really did. In the end I had to leave because I was hyperventilating and having another panic attack.

In a way it is like I refuse to accept that you are gone. I still feel you talking to me. Every time I do something good it feels like you are there, cheering me on. It sounds so weird. But I feel like you are there. I still feel like you are alive.

I wish that we would get more time together. I wish I listened to everything you said. Because you are one of the wisest people I have ever met. I should have asked you to write everything down for me, just so I could remember it.

That is all too late now, and I apologize mom.
I am so sorry.
Lo siento madre.

With love from Elisa!
December 25th 2017

I wrote the second letter after I finished my first class for university and had gotten my national team call up.

Dear mom
I miss you.
I wanted to tell you about everything that has happened since I last wrote. It was three months ago now. I finished my first class for university. I am working on getting a degree in mathematics, just like I always told you back then. You never got to see me graduate from "El instituto" and I hate that. It was such a lovely ceremony, my sister was there, and my brother. The entirety of your family was there. Well, not dad. He didn't want to come.

When I graduate I did it with flying colours. I had all A's. Not that you ever cared about that, all you cared about was my happiness. I have everything in life to thank you for.

I still have not gotten any friends at the university, but it does not matter because I have friends in the team. They all are so great, and I could not imagine what I would do without them. When Ona left, I was worried that it would be so difficult for me. It was in the beginning, but now I manage to live. I moved into my own apartment, and I am thinking about getting a dog. Company would be great for me.

Now it is time for the next point I wanted to talk about, football. It is going so great. I have managed to earn a starting position in the backline, something I never thought would happen at nineteen. I celebrated my birthday with the team. I could not bare going to Tarragona. I have lived a full year without you. You never got to see me be eighteen, and you will never get to see me live anymore. I hate that.