Foolish one

Chapter 18

Me
I'm sorry about yesterday Ale

Me
Can I apologize over coffee today?

Me
I'll tell you everything

Ale
That would be great

Me
I'm terribly sorry

Me
Can you come to my place after practice?

Ale
Of course

Me
Thank you so much

Me
Did I mention how sorry I am

Ale
You did

She was angry at me. And rightfully so. We needed to talk about yesterday. I needed to apologize to her, I wanted her to hear my explanation.

We all trained quietly. Alexia was shooting daggers at me the entire time, not once did she smile when looking my way. I hated that.

"I'm really sorry Alexia" I apologized on our way to my apartment. She didn't answer me, instead she looked straight forward to the road. "I overreacted yesterday. I shouldn't have yelled at you just because you were asking questions I didn't want to answer. It was childish of me to do that, I know you were just concerned about me" I explained to her.

That didn't earn a reaction from her. "I had a rough therapy session yesterday. We basically talked about my abandonment issues that I got from my dad leaving. It hurts more than I like to think it did and talking about it made me really irritated. I had no right to take it out on you" I confessed to her. This time she looked at me.

"I shouldn't have pushed, honestly. I should have trusted that you would tell me when you felt comfortable enough. It just hurts seeing you come back with new scars and wounds. It hurts that you don't think you are good enough Isa" Alexia said, her voice full of emotion.

"Its hard to do that Ale" I admitted, my eyes were once again getting cloudy with tears. "It shouldn't be that hard. Everyone who knows you thinks that you are amazing, we all love you Isa, and we try our best to make you see that" Alexia said. I hated that I made her feel bad. "And I love you all" I answered sincerely.

The two of us walked inside my apartment and I started making coffee for us. I grabbed some cookies from the freezer and threw them into the microwave, heating them up slightly.

We sat down on the couch, keeping our distance from each other. And I started telling her everything.

"Okay, this is going to be hard and all I'm asking of you is that you let me speak without interrupting" I said while looking at Alexia. She nodded slightly and I continued.

"Everything started when I moved here at fifteen. I needed to move away to follow my dream, you know how my sister lives here in Barcelona. I moved in with her after I got signed by the Barcelona youth teams. My mom was so proud of me. Three months later my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I visited her every time I could, but she wasn't getting better. I was so sacred, every time I visited her, I prayed for her. I started praying to Jesus too", I said, tears were now streaming down my face.

"And I hated making it about me, but who was I supposed to talk to? What was I supposed to do when there was no her? She never got better and passed away a little over a year ago. Everything started going south after that. I started having panic attacks, and my anxiety levels skyrocketed. To help me deal with all the pain I was feeling mentally I made the pain physical. It was easier to deal with that way" I confessed. Alexia was now holding my hand tightly.

"Obviously, it just made everything worse. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I started going to therapy after my mom passed. No, that was when my sister found out about me harming myself. Anyways, I talked to someone about my mom and how that affected me for a total of six months. After that I decided that it was fine. That I was fine and that I didn't need her anymore. But I did, and I realised that about two months ago and returned to therapy. It really helped me to deal with my feelings" I told her. She was rubbing circles on my palm.

"I have been having trouble sleeping for a while. I take medication to help with my anxiety, and now I also take sleeping meds. Basically, most of the time I dream about my mom leaving in different ways, making me have nightmares, just like the ones you have witnessed. Since I moved out the nightmares have been more frequent and worse than before. Meaning I have gotten very little sleep and having a hard time falling asleep" I explained, feeling her pitiful eyes on me.

"When I do fall asleep, I always have nightmares, and they make me fear going to sleep. So instead of sleeping I do other things, like studying or working out. Not sleeping has made me irritable, and when I had a hard session with my therapist everything just tipped over the edge. You happened to be right in front of me when I couldn't handle anything more. Just know that I never wanted to hurt you in any way Ale. I felt extremely bad afterwards, Aitana will tell you that if you asked" I told her calmly.

"The issues I have with my mom leaving is rooted in the fact that my dad left when I was ten. He and my mom got divorced that year, we kept in contact for fours years, but he stopped talking to me when I came out to him. He said that it was against Gods will, and that I would go to hell if I followed those bad thoughts" I sobbed into Alexia's shoulder.

"The worst thing is that he no longer talks to me, but he talks to my siblings. I hate falling in love with women, but that is who I am. Am I not worthy of his love Ale?" I questioned. My words were hard to make out because of the sobs that filled my body. "You are worth so much Isa. You mean the world to us all, I promise you that. But you shouldn't fight for his love, because he is not worthy of your love, not after doing something like that" Alexia told me calmly. I could hear the emotion in her voice. I must mean something to her.

"I lost both of my parents in the span of three years" I said to her with my voice breaking. That was the end of my monologue. My coffee was sitting cold and untouched on the table. I was sitting in Alexia's lap, and she was calming me down.

"I didn't know that Isa. I should have been more considerate. I know how it is when a parent pass away. It is super hard, and it will take some time accept the fact. You will probably never get over it, the pain will never get less, but you will learn how to manage it" she said, talking for the first time since we arrived here.

"My dad passed away a while ago, I always try to make him proud. He never got to see me play for Barcelona" Alexia said, her voice breaking several times. "My mom never got to see me play for Barca either. She passed away right before my debut" I told her crying.

"She is so proud of you, everything you do makes her proud. I promise" Alexia said, holding my hand tightly.

She stayed at my place that night, sleeping right next to me. Now I knew why the nightmares were gone when I slept with her. It was because I loved her. 

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Everything is out in the open!!

Now there will be a bit of a timeskip. Can't have them getting together right now, that would be too nice of me.

Remember to vote.

Could we maybe reach 30 votes for the next chapter?

And I wish you all a very merry christmas!!

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