Record Of My Life.

Why do I feel this way?

Is it normal to feel this way?

So I just watched an edit of the anime "Stop!Hibari-kun!" and it was obviously about the trans girl and here are my thoughts because I really need to talk about it.

(I'm listening to be quiet and drive so I'm hype)

So I'm watching the video and I think it's funny and cool and I really like the art style then I go to comments as I usually would.

All of it as usual on a video about anything trans is very lovely, and positive and encouraging and sweet.

"To all my trans brothers and sisters, know that I love you and accept you 💕💕"

"I'm a cis boy but know that I love all you trans people <3"

"We love you too!!!!"

"Thanks 😁😁"

"<3"

"For all you trans people that are struggling just know that I support you and love you 💖💖💖😘"

And you would think any normal person would find this lovely and sweet but I don't.

And I don't even know why.

When I read those comments I felt my heart clench. The way it does when I'm irritated.

The way it does when I'm looking at something I don't like.

And I don't even know why.

I'm a liar.

I know why.

I used to have this phase in my life were I was very right wing.

(Funny because I don't even like in America and in the country I live in that's not a thing)

And I used to watch lots of Ben Shapiro and Matt Walsh and lots of red pill content and I was addicted to YouTube shorts and whenever they would talk about trans people they would not talk nicely about them.

It's was always disgust and un-understanding and bad feelings and I am very grateful I don't think like that anymore but I guess some snippets are still buried within me in the dark, desolate, damp, cave-like, dirty part of me.

But I don't even know what these feelings are.

Is it hate?

I know I don't hate trans people.

Even though knowing and feeling something are two different things.

Is it dislike?

I think some that. I dislike the fact that there are people who are not comfortable with the body they were born in and sex they were born as.

But why?

Is it jealousy? Is it envy?

Am I jealous that there living their lives in a way I want to?

I don't think I am.

I can't tell exactly which feelings I feel when I hear about trans people and anything trans related.

Which is very weird because when I watched that video I felt fine. I felt a bit conflicted but overall I liked it.

It was only when I saw to that people were supporting it and liking it and liking 'them'.

What is actually wrong with me? Why am I so affected by it. Why? I don't understand anything.

I really do feel for people who have to struggle with gender dysphoria.

I know it's very difficult and I couldn't imagine having to live with it as I know it's more than just wanting to be the opposite gender.

And when I'm by myself I feel this way.

But the moment I see other people's opinions on it my feelings become sour.

I have to reflect on it. I really do.

I was planning to write more but I'm now tired and I have to shower.

Tell me if you guys would like to hear the story of how I thought I was trans for like two years in my life.

Should I write about it?

Maybe.

I am very tired.

So I have to go shower and maybe or maybe not I'll write more.

Goodbye.

I do not feel like putting a flower emoji.

Flower.

I think I want to read the manga though.