Red vs Blue : Mirage

You're the Bomb, Yo

Church: I don't know. Sounds like whoever's fighting them is winning. That can't possibly be our guys.

Grif: (to a salmon-colored guard) Hey screw, aren't you gonna go help your buddies? Oink oink?

The soldier runs around a corner and gets punched out. Church and Grif listen to the sound of invisible approaching footsteps.

Wyoming: (decloaking outside the bars of the cell) Hello Church.

Church: Wyoming? What're you doing here?

Wyoming: Been hired to do a job with your little friend Tucker. Seems he's discovered some information that someone else isn't happy about.

Grif: Who's this kracker?

Church: Ah, he's just some scumbag bounty hunter that was in the same division as Tex.

Wyoming: Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well.

Church: When I get out of here, -

Wyoming: But you won't. Everyone here is dead now. Noone even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu-huh. Cheerio.

Wyoming goes invisible and runs off.

Church: We gotta find a way to escape, Grif.

Grif: If only we had bedsheets.

Church: There's no window. What good is tying together bedsheets gonna do us?

Grif: Who said anything about tying them together? I wanna take a nap. If I have to die of hunger, I wanna do it in my sleep.

Cut to Donut, Tucker, Rayner and Tex on the red base, and Sheila below, looking up at them.

Sheila: Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip.

Tucker: Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.

Donut: Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.

Rayner: Thank god I already filled up on some steak before I got here.

Sheila: Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day.

Tex runs through the teleporter, then Donut and Tucker.

Rayner: Bye Sheila, we'll come back for you soon.

Sheila: I'll be waiting.

Rayner steps through the teleporter. Cut to Sarge, Simmons and Caboose standing around a teleporter receptacle.

Simmons: Okay, here they come.

Tex emerges and runs off, then Donut emerges.

Donut: Yeahah, we're here! Good job blue guy!

Tucker emerges, covered in black stuff.

Tucker: OW, crap!

Simmons: What's all that black stuff on your armor?

Tucker: Just me? What the fuck?

Caboose: Tucker, I am so glad to see you. Here. Let me help you clean your armor off, by rubbing you all over.

Donut: Ooh ooh, let me help!

Caboose: Absolutely, Admiral Buttercrust.

Tucker, Caboose and Donut runs off. Rayner finally steps through the teleporter and sees the three walk away.

Rayner: Where are those guys going?

Cut to Wyoming looking at those three through a sniper rifle.

Wyoming: Hmm, I don't see him. Perhaps they've disguised him somehow. Well played.

Cut to Tex looking at him.

Tex: Gotcha.

Cut to Simmons, Sarge, and Rayner.

Simmons: So what's the plan, Sarge?

Sarge: First, we need to locate Church and get that bomb defused. Then we can find Lopez, download our plans, and get back to fighting the blues.

Rayner: I can diffuse the bomb if we find it-wait, what was that about a plan to attack us?

Simmons: And find Grif.

Sarge: What?

Simmons: And we also need to find Grif. Right sir?

Sarge: Well, not every plan is perfect, so I suppose we could accidentally find Grif along the way.

Rayner: Man, what is your deal with the orange one? I almost feel bad for shooting him in the knee.

Cut to Grif and the still-ticking Church in their cell.

Church: Okay Grif, I've been putting something off that I can do to help us escape, but, I gotta warn you, it might scare you a little bit.

Grif: You want scary, you should try showering in cell block C. Those guys are animals.

Church: Alright.

The bars start rising.

Church: Here goes.

Grif: You opened the doors? That wasn't scary at all.

Church: What? I didn't do that. Somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go.

They run off.

Grif: Freedom, it smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.

Cut to Caboose, the clean Tucker and Donut.

Caboose: There, you are all clean.

Tucker: Thanks, but you didn't need to spend so much time on the codpiece, Donut.

Donut: A three-coat waxing is just my way of saying I care.

Cut to Wyoming looking through his sniper rifle at the newly cleaned Tucker.

Wyoming: Well, there we are, mate.

Tex: (aiming at Wyoming from close range) Hello Wyoming. Why don't you stop pointing that gun at my friend.

Wyoming: Allison, good to see you. How's our good friend Omega?

Tex: You tell me. He hired you, didn't he?

Wyoming: Now how did you know that.

Tex: When someone lives in your head for a few years, you get to know him. Where is he.

Wyoming: Oh, he'll be along shortly.

O'Malley cocks a shotgun behind Tex.

Wyoming: Very shortly.

Tex: Oh crap.

O'Malley: (evil laughter) Only now do you realize the folley of your idle chit-chat! Evil wins! Hahaha! Good sucks an egg.

Doc: I'm really sorry about this sir- I mean ma'am- I mean miss!

O'Malley: Oh shut up.