My Diary

Saturday, November 18, 2023

So, Jessica decided to visit her friend, who im going to call Allie, while she was on her shift at McDonald's. She asked me and 2 other girls if we wanted to go. We all agreed and went out to eat.

While we were there I saw Doll sitting with her friend. At first I thought I probably confused her for someone else but after a few subtle glances I could confirm it was her.

I haven't seen nor talked to her in months. I was happy to see her but I didn't greet her since I felt guilty we sorta lost contact.

I'm not sure if she saw me but I hope she didn't.

I've been thinking about her a lot and wish I could have been a better friend and possibly be considered a close friend. Unfortunately didn't turn out that way and it saddens me.

I honestly get so jealous every time I see a story with her and her friends together having a great time. I get frustrated knowing that her parents know her friends and have them over their house.

I sometimes think back and realize this friendship escalated way too quickly and our "honeymoon phase" is over and now we seem like we're acquaintances.

I still want to talk to her but I get these thoughts that I'm not worthy of her friendship and she'd be better off without me behind her. I just hesitate and never take the risk.

She has assured me that she doesn't mind me texting her out of the blue but to me it feels awkward. I just wish we could just meet face to face like we used to.

I wanna see her again, atleast once. If I'm leaving this country I want to hang out with her one last time.

Although we have different interests and styles, and we sometimes don't have anything to share with eachother, her presence is enough.

I got her a gift for her birthday last month. Which I still have since I haven't seen her (I wish I did have it with me when I saw her today).

I told her happy birthday and I made sure I was the first one to tell her that. She replied a "thank you" but that was it. That was the last time we spoke.

Some people I've told this have said I act weirdly for someone who sees her as a friend.

I've started to question that myself but I don't think I like her in a romantic way.

Like I know I don't because how I feel about her isn't the same way I felt about previous crushes.

Atleast for me, I confirm romantic attraction if I start to get nervous (in other words: "get butterflies") when I get close or think about them.

When she confessed she liked me I felt surprised and flattered. Knowing that she was straight was also very validating.

Before I responded I thought about it for a long time. I didn't dislike the though of a potential relationship with her but I just didn't feel any romantic attraction towards her and we technically just met a few months ago when that happened so I ended up rejecting her in the most polite way possible.

After a few days went by she confessed again. I had to reject her again and after that second confession I started thinking about what would've happened if I didn't do that. If I ended up with her.

We are both inexperienced with being in a relationship and she is the first one to actually see me as a guy and probably the last one in a very long time. She's really sweet and would be a really great partner.

I thought of the cute things we could've done if that were to happen.

Even so, I couldn't do that knowing I felt nothing towards her.

At this point when I think of her I start to get really sad and I start believing I saw her, for example, crossing the street but then realized it's someone completely different.

The only time I've felt butterflies in my stomach was when she wrapped her arm around mine. When people touch me, I get uncomfortable but this feeling was more like nervousness than anything. That was the only time though.

Later on in the day, I just got flamed by the 3 girls I hung out with today. Apparently (for the most part) they see me as kinda perverted and extremely liberal. I was just shocked to find out what they think of me.