Mindless Rhymes

suffering pt. 1

I stumble on through,
blindly and shaking,
focusing only on what I pursue,
this thing that I chase, please stay far away,
please don't wish to know,
it will consume you whole,
but here I present you with my thoughts and horrors,
this is not beautiful,
this is cold,
this is damaged,
this is an eating disorder.
~
I can't help the feelings of utter despair,
when I can't find a way to completely repair,
myself from the damage I've caused all these years,
from binging to starvation,
and caving in on fears,
I scream and I scream into the night,
when I can't sleep,
can't breathe,
can't fight,
I bite my tongue as I step on the scale,
day after day I search in the pale,
face that stares at me,
this mirror portrays me,
as someone I hate and I hate and I hate,
the food must be hidden,
to taste is forbidden,
so I stare and I stare and I stare,
too often I break,
and I eat and I eat,
it pains me,
this cycle of lather rinse repeat,
I thrash and I scream,
but I can never escape,
so I remain in this body,
all full of shame

When I shake and I quiver,
This means I'm a winner,
but soon after I revert back to sinner,
I want to be thinner,
no I won't eat your dinner,
I'm fine I'm fine IM FINE,
we call them support groups,
not pro not pro,
they'll help me get through this,
they promised me so,
food logs,
fit logs,
blogs, shit posts and more,
hair breakage,
malnutrition,
secret purchases at the store,
you won't see it coming,
no one ever does,
it's so unbecoming,
please silence this buzz

I'm always so cold,
my skin feels like ice,
I pile on the clothes,
I can never dress nice,
sometimes I can't take it,
I'll binge then I'll cry,
I'll want to purge it out,
but I'm too scared to try

This doesn't feel real,
this doesn't seem right,
if I was truly sick,
you'd notice... right?
you wouldn't applaud me for dropping a pound,
you wouldn't condone this,
you wouldn't be proud

This bathroom is sacred,
to me and my hatred,
so I sit here behind this locked door,
staring at this body,
I can never adore.