I was trembling so much that my breath started to speed up. It didn't help that Dad was looking at me as if I was a stranger and he saw me today for the first time. There wasn't any warmth in his eyes. There wasn't any recognition na madalas kong makita sa kanya nitong nakaraan kapag ipinagmamalaki n'ya ang mga narating ko.
I wasn't ready for this. Even though I knew that I couldn't keep my relationship with Killian a secret forever, and even though I imagined so many times that I would tell my parents about it, I wasn't prepared for the real thing.
I should've told them about it. Umamin na sana ako bago pa nila nalaman sa iba. I should've been the one to inform them about Killian to at least lessen the damage, knowing that they'd still be angry with me for being in a relationship with him. Kasi ayaw nila kay Killian. Ayaw nila sa lalaking mahal ko.
But... I couldn't do anything now, could I? I have to face this.
"Let me explain, Dad..." rinig ko ang panginginig ng sarili kong boses.
"That's what I said, Irina," Dad pointed out. The look he was giving me made me feel stupid.
Napatingin ako kay Mommy. Gusto ko lang makakuha ng lakas ng loob kahit na alam kong hindi n'ya ako suportado ngayon. She wouldn't give me support to anything that would anger Dad, to anything that he didn't want.
But still, nasaktan ako nang makita ang paninis isa mukha ni Mommy. Na para bang ito na ang pinakamalaking kasalanang nagawa ko. And she wouldn't forgive me for this, for disobeying Dad like this.
"I love Killian, Dad..." I said helplessly.
I couldn't think of any reason. I didn't know how I should explain everything. Because that was my only reason and explanation.
I noticed my dad's jaw clenched. Doon pa lang ay alam ko nang hindi n'ya tanggap ang rasong ibinigay ko.
"How long has this been going on?" he asked. His voice was dangerously calm and that scared me more.
I bit my lower lip. Ayokong sabihin. Alam kong mas magagalit s'ya.
"Irina," Dad warned. Mukhang malapit nang mawalan ng pasensya.
"Years..." I said softly.
He took a deep breath.
"How long?" he demanded.
"Since my last year in the university..."
Mahina ang pagkakasabi ko. Maybe it was intentional dahil ayoko sanang marinig nila ang isinagot ko. But the way my mom gasped so loud as if she couldn't believe what I've said, I knew they both heard it. Lalo pa at tahimik na tahimik sa loob ng bahay.
I looked down at my hands. I was still standing pero hindi ko ramdam ang pangangalay ng mga paa ko. Mas ramdam ko ang takot at kaba dahil alam kong galit sina Mom at Dad. Pakiramdam ko ay isa akong batang pinagagalitan ng mga magulang.
Napatingin ako kay Dad nang tumayo s'ya. Even Mom looked at him and there was worry and fear in her eyes.
Dad took a few steps and took a deep breath. His hands were on his hips as if he was trying to calm himself down and exhaled harshly. Halos mapapitlag ako nang tumingin s'ya sa 'kin.
"Tell me, doschka... Are you deaf?"
"What?" Napasulyap ako kay Mommy bago umiling. "No."
"Do you lack understanding?" He shook his head. "I know you're not. You top your class. But tell me still, doschka..."
"No... No, Dad."
"Then why?!" Pareho kaming napapitlag ni Mommy nang tumaas ang boses ni Dad. "Why the fuck did you do the very fucking thing I asked you not to do?!"
