Hit and Run

Chapter 17: Pile of Leaves (Bethany's POV)

I wake up and Evan is lying in bed next to me. He's asleep. The early flight for to him. He went on the business trip to better our future together and to attempt a promotion. Despite our relationship strain I really want him to get the promotion at least for himself.

The guilt consumes my body. I've never cheated on anyone before and I know Wolfe doesn't see this as cheating. I think he said that to lessen the blow, and the truth of what we've done. Evan's trip was not that long but all the cheating I've done since I last saw him has been enough to make me want to vomit. My stomach churns and forces me to my feet. The bathroom feels like miles away but I somehow manage in my lightheaded state to get there. I vomit an entire meal into the toilet. Everything from the buffet comes out. I know it's from food intolerances and stress. I don't regret eating it, I just regret everything else.

I clean the toilet out and brush my teeth. The ceiling fan roars loudly when I turn it out. It keeps the smell of puke at bay. Evan stirs when the fan is switched on. I use mouthwash for good measure. I throw on jeans and a sweater. It's plain but I know from experience that Evan likes it. Anything that makes me feel like myself seems to be forbidden and eroded away but the decisions he has made for me. It's like being buried alive in a coffin with only enough air for five more minutes. My chest tightens that Evan is back. If he finds out, I am homeless. The guilt is still on my face as the makeup hides my secrets.

I tiptoe down stairs and that's when I see Wolfe, shirtless making coffee. His smile brings my calmness to a standstill. Just his presence calms my heart rate. I want to forever live in the calm he brings my storm. But my life is a ship and Evan is the captain. To disobey Evan is to be a mutinous crew. Questioning orders isn't allowed, to do so is to question God himself. Or that's what Evan has trained me to believe in his treatment of me. Malcolm Wolfe might be right, it might be time I made a drastic change in which Evan isn't the captain of my life.

We used to make decisions together and my opinion once mattered. It has all faded away and has become background noise to Evan. My thoughts and feelings make me a verbally abusive and naggy person, to Evan when we do discuss our issues. Our issues stem from Evan's emotional abandonment of me. He chose the for me, but he says I claimed it for us. It's my fault he emotionally abandoned me. My loneliness took me to the arms of another man, and that man is Malcolm Wolfe, the shirtless wonder standing before me now.

"Good morning, Annie. Did you sleep okay?" Wolfe asks as he innocently hands me coffee. He hands me a second mug which I assume is for Evan.

"No, I got scared..." I wasn't expecting to be so honest with him. But he brings out my true emotions, the ones I suppress when the ogre returns to his lair.

"Don't be. It will be fine. Nothing happened. We just hung out, okay, Annie? Take the mug to Evan and we can talk in a few days okay?" Wolfe raises an eyebrow to ensure that the message is conveyed.

"Noted. Maybe you're right. Thanks." I don't want to make a big deal out of kissing Wolfe. But I want to feel alive, I want the forbidden feel with him all over again. Knowing he's off-limits when Evan's around makes me want Evan to be gone more. Should I bother to even try to fix what I have going on with Evan anymore? At what point is trying pointless? If I'm the only party putting in the effort, am I required to sit around while Evan refuses to admit fault, get therapy, or change his ways? It's impossible for all the things in our relationship that are wrong to be all my fault. Somehow Evan would argue that I started them all, but I know down to my bones that that argument is flawed, unloving, pure gaslighting bullshit.

It's that logic that landed me in Wolfe's arms. It's that attitude that created a rift between Evan Schultz and I. I have yet to understand my feelings for Wolfe. Is he a rebound? Do I prefer him? Could I fall for him and the sweet ways he makes me feel seen, validated, and heard? Does he means to do me harm later down the road? What if I dumped them all? Although Malcolm and I aren't exactly dating, we went on two dates and there is a difference. But for an onlookers perspective I am a two-timing, fiance with a secret boyfriend on the side. It really sounds as bad as that, but I've been forced to get my emotional needs elsewhere. Is it wrong to want to be loved and championed by someone, even if that someone isn't Evan? Is it wrong to be proud of what I do? Is it wrong to have my own opinions, likes, and dislikes without Evan shoving his comments up my ass?

I head up the stairs and give Evan his cup of coffee. He plants a kiss on my lips. It feels foreign even though I've felt it one hundred times. It feels forced and like it's different. It used to mean something, but now it's an empty kiss. I want it to end before it starts. Do I throw in the towel? Do I keep Evan in the dark until I understand what Wolfe is to me?

"Did you get the promotion?" I ask as if I have missed him.

I missed something like his familiar scent and the way he smiles. But my days of caring and being treated without him fixing him are slowly coming to an end. I never understood infidelity until emotional abandonment fell into my lap. It comes from a place of being invisible too long. When someone is forced to be wallpaper to their partner and are taken for granted for too long, the magic of looking hot for your abusive partner fades. I don't have to try anymore if he won't try for me.

"Yeah, they gave me the promotion. I was going to tell you at dinner tonight. You and Wolfe both, I wanted to tell you both. It's good news for all of us. I can afford more things for all three of us. By the way, has Malcolm picked a date out for tonight? I told him to pick someone."

"No, idea. We didn't hang out that much when you were gone. I'd go ask him if I were you."

I'm not going to tell him what we've done behind his back. I still can make sense of it myself.

"Good idea. What about you? Have you done anything productive while I was gone?"

"No, just the usual amount of articles. Actually, they might make me head editor," I say with a smile on my face.

"So what? I think you could do better than write all day long. Everyone knows it's not a real career. It's just a hobby for you. If it weren't for me, Bethany, you couldn't support yourself. That's why I got this promotion for us, I'm pretty damn good aren't I?"

Just like a peacock fluffing his feathers, he outshines me. I bet Wolfe would celebrate my writing victories. He'd congratulate me on this promotion. Evan can't stand when good things happen in my life which is why I compartmentalize my life from him. If I have a writing success j don't usually share it with him. I share it with my private online communities. They celebrate my triumphs and I get the validation I crave from strangers in other countries. They know me and my interests more than the man I am allegedly lucky to marry.

"Okay," I reply. It's the one word I use when Evan inflates his ego before me. You can't argue with okay. It's an acknowledgment.

"Can you take the dishes downstairs?" Evan asks as he hands me his coffee mug.

"Sure." I will say anything to get away from this egomaniac.

I take the dishes and go downstairs. The guilt I had about cheating ends, and Wolfe finds me at the bottom of the stairs. My eyes are red, I see then reflected in the mirror at the bottom of the stairs.

"What did he say, Annie? I know that look. Want me to go punch him?" Wolfe whispers as he takes the dishes.

"No, he's not worth it. I just shared about my own job promotion and he diminished it. Why am I never good enough."

"Listen, Annie. When he leaves in two weeks I promise to celebrate with you. I'll figure it out. Congrats by the way. I am proud of you. It will be fine, Annie. You'll see. Why don't you clean the house, that will get him off your back. And besides, there are leaves everywhere outside on the ground. Let's rake them. We can rake the whole damn street if you want."

Wolfe heads into the garage with me, and he hands me a rake. We open the garage door, and we make pile after pile of leaves. We get the tarps out, and start raking the leaves onto them. Our pile gets higher and higher. Malcolm tosses the rake on the ground, and runs as fast as he can. He jumps into the leaves like a little boy. He lands on his butt. The leaves go up into the air, and he laughs loudly.

"You've got to try this, Annie." I drop my rake and fear Evan's reaction. But then Wolfe's smile puts that fear out of sight and out of mind. I run full blast into the pile. As I fly free into the air, I let go of Evan's voice. It doesn't matter if Evan is proud of me, all that matters is that I see me. When I land in the leaves, happiness finds me. Wolfe put this smile on my face, and no one can take it away. For right now, I'm proud of myself for landing on my feet and for getting that promotion. Evan didn't do that, I did, and that's enough for me.