36 Questions to Fall in Love...in 36 days!

Chapter 19 : Fun Facts and Shameful Anger

We both drop the phone and I place mine by the bed stand. I relax back on my bed even though I'm ready for school and even the exam.

I'm just not ready for my mother?

The white ceiling stares back at me, hopeless just like me.

The fact is that last night after I got into my room, the first thing I looked for in the mess of my room were my headphones.

My headphones that were always there when I didn't really need them were now a struggle to find in the mini panic attack I seemed to be having.

When I finally found them underneath the bed, I could've screamed but instead I took out my phone, connected it to my headphones and blasted the music into my ears.

It didn't really matter what songs were playing at that moment, love songs, hate songs, songs about getting out of the hood-all that mattered was that I didn't want to hear her voice again.

I didn't want to hear her.

I didn't want to hear her say things I've always wanted to hear her say like I miss you or I love you and mean it.

I didn't want to hear her not say those things and not even be concerned or bothered that I wasn't coming out of my room.

I didn't want to know how big of a hug Mkhulu was giving her and all that stuff.

In that moment as the music blared through my ears, sitting in my self vandalized room -ignorance was bliss.

Ignorance was bliss because I wasn't going to let her hurt me again.

That's the thing about bad parents is that they don't just hurt you once or sometimes even in one way but instead...

Instead, it's like they cut open a wound in your heart and when you address it, the knife just goes deeper and deeper hurting in more ways than one.

So somehow as I grow, the hurts of that 13 year old boy who cried in his grandfather's arms as his mother left seemed to intensify and not to heal.

Later on in the night, I ate the food in the lunchbox Mkhulu said I should take. They were delicious sandwiches with all my favourite ingredients.

It was fresh lettuce, sliced cheese and tomato with my favourite tartar sauce and fried patty bringing everything together.

I cried softly, the salty tears mixing with the sandwich because Mkhulu made this especially for me and I still couldn't forgive myself...

You don't do that to the people you love

Dominique's words from yesterday condemned me to the point I cried so hard I couldn't swallow the sandwiches any more.

But I ate them through the tears because he made them for me.

I was so angry at my anger. It made me hurt the ones I loved and I wondered if I would ever hurt Olivia.

If so I wanted her nowhere near me.

I also wondered how I couldn't exactly yell at my mother. I couldn't express my anger to her.

I mean , yes I could be cheeky and all that stuff but everytime she called these past few months I had done myself wrong by acting like everything was okay. I talked to her like when she hung I wouldn't start thrashing my room or something.

It had boggled my mind so much that I needed my third best friend's help.

Google: It's been long Leonardo. How may I assist you?