Damage Repaired

Chapter 51

"What are your intentions with Anastazi?" Walton asked Nathaniel at the beginning of the session.

"To marry her," he answered without hesitation. "I want her to be my wife, the mother of my children, my life partner."

Fuck, I swooned. I swooned hard.

Walton then turned to me. "And are these things you want as well? Do you want to marry him and eventually have children with him?"

I felt the moment Nathaniel's eyes pinned me down, but I focused all of my attention on Walton. "I do," I answered honestly. "I'm just scared."

"Scared of what exactly? Scared to get married and have kids or scared to have all of that with Nathaniel"

"The latter."

"Why is that?"

"Because," I sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "I guess I'm scared for history to repeat itself, and I know I shouldn't keep dwelling in the past and focus on the future, but...I was ready to do that, to try and open myself up to him again and give us another shot, but then he left after finding out about the miscarriage, and it just made me second guess if he was ready to be committed to me or not and if I was able to lose trust that quickly it made me wonder if I was even ready for us to get back together again with how unsure I was about our potential future."

"That's completely understandable, Anastazi," Walton assured me. "So how do you think you're going to get to that point of feeling ready? What do you think you'll need from Nathaniel going forward in order to gain back all of the trust you lost after the incident?" 

I pressed my lips together, thinking carefully about what my answer was going to be. "In order for me to feel one hundred percent completely ready, I need there to be absolutely no secrets between us that deal with me and my life. I have so many questions about my mother that I know he has answers to but, for some reason, won't tell me yet. I do believe he has a good reason, but believing and knowing are two different things." I took a deep breath; it felt good to get all of this out. "Going forward," I continued, "I also need him to stop making decisions for me. He's always trying to decide what he thinks is best for me, what he thinks I should or shouldn't know, but those are my decisions to make, not his, or at least decisions we should make together. One thing I hate is being kept in the dark, and he knows this, but yet he continued to hide the biggest secret imaginable from me, and a part of the fear I have is him doing that again."

Walton nodded. "Good, good. It's very important to know these things, to know what you need and require to move forward, and it's very important for the other party to be aware of them as well, so Nathaniel," Walton focused his attention on him. "You heard what Anastazi needs to move on, now; what do you need or want from her?"

I looked over at him for the first time during this session, waiting for his answer because I was very interested in what he had to say. 

"I need her to know that there will be things in my life that I have to keep secret because I do, in fact, know that it is what's best for her."

Frustration bubbled inside of me. "Are you talking about secrets that can potentially affect my life like the ones you were keeping before?"

His jaw ticked. "Yes."

"Then that's not your decision to make, Nathaniel." I snapped, completely forgetting about Walton being the mediator. "You're always preaching about how I'm the strongest woman you know, yet continue to treat me as if I'm the most fragile human being on the fucking planet. I get that you're coming from a good place and want to protect me, but how are you protecting me by keeping me in the dark? What if something happens to you and I need answers only you have? If we're supposed to be equals, I need to know everything, Nathaniel, so I can be properly prepared for anything and know what I should or shouldn't be looking out for instead of being completely blindsided." I pleaded with him with my eyes, hoping he'd understand what I was saying. "I'm aware that you're going to make mistakes, you're not perfect, nor did I ask you to be, but what I do ask is that you let me in just like I'm willing to let you in. God, Nathaniel, you cannot keep hiding shit from me just because you're afraid of how I'll react, and I know that's advice I need to take myself, but we're not talking about me right now. I cannot and will not be able to do this if you're going to hide things from me like you've done in the past; that's just something I'm not willing to accept."

Nathaniel looked torn. Torn between wanting to do what he thought was best for me and wanting to accept my terms which I knew might've been difficult for him to swallow. He was very used to doing things his way and being the sole decision maker but not anymore, not if he wanted us to have a future. I refused to go through what I went through with finding out about half of the secrets he kept from me.

"I think," I added softly. "I wouldn't have left if you sat me down and told me everything beforehand. What hurt me was knowing you were keeping those secrets from me for so long, knowing I poured all of my emotions out to you regarding my mom and how I had so much guilt thinking I was the reason she was dead, only for you to know the truth. The betrayal I felt knowing you were just going along with my false narrative as if everything was okay was what fucking hurt the most, not the secret itself per se."

"What are you afraid of, Nathaniel?" Walton quickly cut in. 

We both stared at him, waiting for his answer. It felt like time was ticking by slowly the longer he remained silent, leaving the question dangling in the air.

"Nathaniel," I scooted closer to him on the couch, reaching out to rest my hand on his thigh; my touch somehow always seemed to ground him whenever his mind started to stray away. "What are you so afraid of?" I asked Walton's question again, hoping he'd answer me this time.

Nathaniel turned his head, watching me closely, his eyes scanning every inch of my face as if trying to memorize every feature. "I'm afraid you'll leave me if you find out I'm not the same man you knew and loved four years ago." He confessed so lowly I almost didn't hear him. "I'm afraid that if you saw and knew of the things I've done and are capable of doing, you would run and never look back."

"So you'd rather live in fear every single day? Live in the unknown, not ever knowing if I'd ever accept you for who you truly are, not the person you painted yourself out to be? You want me to love one half of you and not all of you? Are you truly content with living that kind of life? Because I'm not, I want all of you or nothing. I don't want to love a fake narrative of a person you desperately want to be or think I'm worthy of."

What could he have done that was so terrible to make him think that I wouldn't forgive him after I was already open to forgiving him for the secrets he kept about my parents, which in my book, was the worst thing he could have possibly done. 

"It seems the main issue is trust," Walton spoke to us both. "If the two of you want this relationship to work, Nathaniel, you'll have to start trusting that Anastazi is a grown woman who can handle herself if need be and is more than capable of making her own decisions. Keeping secrets from your partner will only be detrimental in the end. You saw and experienced that firsthand. And Anastazi, you'll have to start trusting that Nathaniel will stay true to his word if he says he is open to doing everything you mentioned previously about what you'll need from him in order to gain that trust back. Are you both willing to take that leap and accept those terms?"

"Are you?" I asked, facing Nathaniel again. "If you are, that means no more secrets."

"No more secrets," he promised, brushing his fingertips against my cheek. "Just give me time to sort everything out, and I promise I'll give you all the answers."

"Starting with my mom."

He nodded in agreement. "Starting with her." 

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