Red in the Blue

Chapter 41

CW: nightmares, description of choking

My first week of work at the library was a brutally draining exposure to new things, not the least of which was Eshe, who largely left me alone with various small projects and onboarding paperwork for the university. In our limited interactions, she remained stoney toward me. In the quiet of the stacks, it was hard not to let my mind wander. I didn't feel comfortable enough yet to work with headphones in, and, anyway, I had an inkling Eshe wouldn't like it. I didn't want to do anything to piss her off beyond what my existence seemed to do.

I had forgotten how little day was yours when you worked. So few hours to actually do anything with. Some nights I lurched straight into a bath and napped in the lukewarm water until it turned cold. After dinner, when he was free, I'd meet Bowen at the gym, or we'd jog around the neighborhood. He didn't mind that as long as we took a different route every day and gave him new things to look at. I asked him how he had literally any energy left after training with the enforcers all day, and his answer was unsatisfying. I realized I didn't really understand what it was they did. He was equally as tight-lipped about Eshe, who I tried to interrogate him about, to the point that I couldn't tell if he didn't know her well or didn't feel comfortable talking about her with me. I told him about my burgeoning art project. He walked me back to the house after each session.

My pre-bed ritual fell apart almost immediately; meditating made me sleepy, and I kept defaulting to my most minimal skincare and teeth-brushing. But I tried to periodically keep up with gratitudes and worries in my journal. At night, exhausted from the day and how little sleep I seemed actually to be getting, I'd sit at my dining room table and try to sketch or storyboard or collage, but I wasn't making much progress. At night, I'd do anything to put off getting into bed, to postpone the nightmares I kept hoping wouldn't come.

They did, of course.

I dreamed about sitting in a coffee shop. Cade to my left, looking out the window as if frozen, totally ambivalent to me, even as I reached out to touch his arm. I took a sip from the coffee mug in front of me, but instead of liquid found myself gagging suddenly on something dry and pulpy. Pulling from my mouth wads of fabric—scraps of my underwear pressing my tongue down and stopping up my throat. Now it was Eric sitting next to me instead of Cade, and now I was tumbling back and finding myself seated at a table across the room as Eric turned slowly and looked at me. Behind him, through the window, that big, brown wolf walked into view, also looking at me. Eric's fangs grew, and he hunched forward, his human eyes flickering yellow.

Another night, a specific street I drove every day, only empty. I wandered up and down it looking for others but seeing only my own face in the reflection of storefronts, the coffee shop window, car windshields. The sun was bright and pleasant but slipping away, and the streetlights didn't come on. It was getting harder and harder to see, and the darkness spilling into the street made me frantic. I started running, trying to chase the receding light, but it stayed just ahead of me as it drew back up the street. I felt a familiar scratch at the back of my throat and managed to wake myself up.

I'd wake up and switch the lamp on and reach for Zuri's ring, stroke my finger over and over those interlocking spirals. I thought about calling Cade. Asking what was going on with the council. What was going on with Browne. Ask him where my panties were these days.

I wondered when Cade's birthday was. What kind of cake he liked. What someone like him did to celebrate their birthday. Or Christmas. Did he flip the switch at the tree-lighting ceremony? I thought about him making snow angels, tan and dark against bright white snow, his arms shuffling snow back and forth, his legs making similar frenzied grooves. If it were really cold, maybe he'd let me tuck into his side and be swallowed by his coat.