The Psychology of Falling in Love

IX. October 5th & October 6th

AN: Therapy, self-hatred, questionable coping tactics.

I paced in the waiting room of Dr. Lawrence's office. My anxiety was skyrocketing, and I'm sure my constant footsteps were driving his secretary to the brink of insanity. My teeth chipped away at my thumb nail.

"Miss Erickson," A charming, soothing deep voice entered my ears. I looked up and smiled anxiously. He looked the same, but his once dark gray hair had now faded into stark white.

"You look good, Doc," I said with a heavy sigh, directing myself through the door he held open.

He chuckled. "Well, you're still a charmer."

I sat down in my favorite spot on the couch-the center cushion. My hands reached for the throw pillow to my right without me looking. I knew it was going to be there. So I grabbed it and sat it on my lap, as I always did.

"So, you called in mentioning some...recurring dissociative episodes, correct? And your C-PTSD has ramped back up?"

"Yeah...yeah. Standard stuff. Dreams of my mom or my relationships, real derogatory shit."

His fingertips tapped the keyboard. "And what about your dissociative episodes? Are they like before?"

I nodded, my mouth drying up. "I just...I'm not in my body. I can see everything I'm doing, hear everything-it's just...muffled or distorted. But as for self control, there is none."

He looked up at me and tilted his head. His eyes reminded me of Claire's, golden and kind. "So, what's been going on lately? Are there any stressors?"

I snorted and smiled bitterly. "Yeah. Yeah, a lot. I'm a full time student at University of Westwood now."

"Congratulations!" Dr. Lawrence exclaimed, sitting up. His proud dad mode deactivated just as fast as it started. "But, I understand that can cause a lot of stress."

"Thanks, Doc. But yes, it's...a lot. A lot of assignments and exams. Of course, I'm still super passionate about the field I want to go into...But the coursework is daunting."

He nodded. "It definitely is. Is there anything else?"

I groaned and ragdolled into the couch, pointing my eyes up towards the ceiling. My face contorted into a grimace. "Yeah, it's just...hard to say."

"Take your time. I'm here for you."

"I...Fuck, I think I'm falling for someone." The words flooded out of my mouth quickly, because if I didn't force them out fast, I wouldn't have admitted it.

"Ah. Have you had any continuing dreams and thoughts of Bailey?"

I winced at her name. "Yeah. But Claire is nothing like Bailey. She's so sweet, understanding, caring, and kind. She is probably the strongest woman I know, but the saddest part is...I barely know her."

"So you believe you're spiraling out of control, and that your feelings are not your true feelings?"

I nodded, a sigh stuttering from my lips as tears formed in the corner of my eyes. "She deserves more than some...child who can't control her emotions."

"Could you tell me what you do know about her? Close your eyes, describe her and what you know about her."

She's got beautiful, wavy blonde hair. Her eyes are hazel, but the golden flecks inside of her irises shine so bright that they remind me of fresh honey. She has laugh lines and the beginnings of crows feet, and they only accentuate her flawless beauty.

I've seen her pluck grays before bed. She has a retainer that she's supposed to take out every night, but forgets all the time. When she's asleep on her back, she snores. She could sleep through a hurricane but somehow, the smallest movement would wake her up.