Growing up, I always held tight to this idea of what a "perfect family" should be - a mom and dad, loving, engaged, and always there for their kid's journey. They're the source of love, guidance, and protection, and they're the ones who shape a child's life. But it's a harsh reality that 1 in 4 children doesn't get to experience the embrace of a father's presence. I happen to belong to that statistic, and living life without a father figure has been one tough climb.
For young boys, an absent father creates a big gap. We look up to our dads, wanting their mentorship to shape who we are and what we believe in. Without that guidance, our view of the world can get skewed, and our relationships can suffer. When I was little, I'd tell myself a story that my dad was just away on long business trips or living far away, and he'd come back someday. But as I grew older, I had to face the painful truth that he just didn't care enough to be a part of my life.
With that heart-wrenching realisation, self-blame and doubt started creeping into every corner of my existence. I'd feel like I wasn't good enough, especially when I'd miss out on invites or opportunities, as if others could see that I lacked a dad's support. Even simple skills like swimming or riding a bike were missing from my skill set, adding to my embarrassment. I'd make up excuses just to hide those shortcomings.
Then, unexpectedly, during the crazy teenage years, I found comfort in a YouTube channel called "Dad, how do I?". The videos from this caring creator filled some of the gaps with practical knowledge I'd have never learned otherwise.
In my childhood, I used to write heartfelt messages to my absent father, hoping to share them with him someday. But as time went on, I forced myself to burn those tokens of longing and unfulfilled dreams. Recently, my mom remarried in 2021, rekindling my younger self's hope for the "perfect family." But that hope was quickly extinguished. My new "dad" had his own family and priorities, making it clear that I might never experience the bond and guidance that a dedicated father figure brings. The man my mom married had a world that I'd never fit into. From January to July 2023, he was in my life just four times - a ghost of a father figure that provided some protection, which I appreciated at first. But those feelings have turned bitter. Seeing others with loving fathers and complete families stings like a thousand needles. Family conversations at school events or gatherings are painful reminders of what I'm missing, a presence that's been absent for fifteen years.
Now, as I approach fifteen, the idea of having a father figure feels foreign and unnecessary. Maybe it's because I've learned to adapt to life without one. During these crucial years, fatherly guidance comes from different sources - a favourite YouTuber, my uncle who lives abroad and imparts important life lessons, or my uncle-in-law and aunt who step in to fill gaps by taking me on trips or looking out for me. They're joined by my mom and grandmother who no longer press about matters concerning my father.
Every birthday from ages five to twelve saw me making one single wish while blowing out candles - to have a perfect family. But now, even though the scars remain, that wish has faded. I'm learning to embrace a small world where the people genuinely care for me as an individual, looking out for my mental well-being and happiness, without any regard for the missing piece of a father figure.
Should I ever cross paths with my biological father, countless questions would rush through my mind, chief among them being why he left me behind in the first place. Yet, faced with the man he has turned out to be, part of me knows that if he were suddenly reintroduced into my life, he wouldn't have the capacity to fill that void in our relationship or heal the aching disappointment that lingers in my heart.
