Letters To The Dead

Chapter 2

Beth,

Well, hey again. I'm doing this whole writing letter thing again. Not because I'm sentimental, trust me, I'm not that kind of girl. Okay, I sort of take that back. Maybe I'm a little sentimental but you better not tell anyone, as I have a reputation to retain.

Last time it helped, made me feel a whole lot more. A bit lighter to, and I was for a moment, I could breathe without feeling like something was pressing hard against my chest and it felt like you were here with me. But then I remember that the pain, the darkness, and I end up feeling it all again. To be honest a different kind of weight is gone, the lonely kind, and it's easier to focus. I didn't really want to admit this but a more childish part of me likes to think that in some weird way it's getting to you. I know it's dumb to think that because you're dead, there's no way about that, but it's easier with you. It's easier to write letters to you than it is to Kara or Mum.

Easier because putting my pen to these papers doesn't hurt. I don't really know how to explain it because even to me it doesn't make sense. What happened to them was my fault, I'm the reason they're dead and maybe that's why it hurts so much about even thinking of writing to them. I don't have that kind of right, to write to them the way I've been writing to you. But with you it was different, in more ways than one.  And like I said in the last letter, it used to be just me and you against everything. I think that's part of the reason to why this is easier with you than them, we were so close once. I always felt like that no matter how much I fucked up in stuff, you would always get me. That you always had my back.

Anyway, in my last letter, I had to go. And I was right about before, Sydney did want to talk. She sat beside me on the cell floor against my bed and stared at me for a long time. Her facial expression looked exhausted, almost like she didn't know what to do anymore. I got in too many fights over the past two years, and I think if I were in her shoes to, that I would also get exasperated with me. To be honest, I don't know why she stuck around long as she has. I'm blunt that at times I'm really rude, have a bad temper because I hate being helpless and can be so irrational that I'm always getting into trouble.

"You promised," Sydney said, voice cold as ice.

I don't think she meant to sound as sharp because she winced immediately after and stood up with a sigh. I didn't say anything after that. You know what they say, the quiet is guilty and in my case, that is true. Even though I didn't mean to lose control, I still lost control and that's on me.

"Why do you do this Lilian?" Sydney asked. She sat in front of me, hesitantly reaching out to touch my tensed shoulder. "Why won't you let me help you?"

Her concern made me want to dig out a grave and hide. I know it was bad to think that because all she wanted to do was help me. She really did care and not many people do in today's world, but I feel I couldn't accept her help. If I can't bloody help myself, how in the world can she help me? And it's like I said, I'm crap at accepting help. All I can think about is how they can use my vulnerabilities against me and that puts me off further.

"Say something! You almost killed him!" Sydney said, face dark.

"I know," I whispered, throat dry. "I just...I didn't think, alright? He was hurting her, you know, and I just lost control."

"No, it's not alright!" Sydney said, exasperatedly. "You break promise after promise. Constantly break the law and you almost killed him! It's not alright!"

"If I'm such a trouble then go!" I shouted, voice shaking. "Go on then! Leave!"

"Maybe I should," Sydney said. She noticeably swallowed, eyes brimming with tears. "But I'm not going to because I care and you acting like a douche isn't going to change that."