Always

Chapter 17

Another day of rotting in my bed. Ughh, ever since Miami I have been in a massive slump, and since the Italian race was cancelled I have been home in Monaco.

I know I shouldn't let Max affect me like this but at this point I don't care about that anymore, I just want to lay in my bed and sulk while watching Legally blonde to remind me I don't need a man, but god I so desperately want one, tough not any man. I want Max and only Max, so of course the universe decides that he doesn't really want me, fucking assholes, can't have anything nice can I.

I hear a soft knock on my door, indicating it is my mom, "Alex, darling can I come in?" I let out a quite yes that my mom still somehow heard. She comes in and sit down on my bed next to me, but doesn't say anything, only turning me so my head is in her lap while she runs her fingers through my hair.

Over the span of this terribly depressing week, my whole family has been checking in on like every 30 minutes, although they usually alternate.

And as mean as it may sound I prefer my mom the best, she is the only one that hasn't asked me what is wrong, or who upset me, instead she is just there sometimes talking about random stuff to get my mind of things. Whereas my brothers wants to know who they need to murder, but luckily they saw by the 4th day I'm not going to crack and tell them anything, so they come into my room telling me about them days and plans for the next.

As I feel myself drifting away, I hear all three of my brothers rushing towards my room, since my mom left the door open, god I really hope this isn't another attempt of a family intervention, they tired that on day 2 but it ended up being  Charles and Arthur sorting out how Arthur felt he was living in Charles shadow the whole time, and after a lot of talking between them two, Lorenzo falling asleep of boredom and my mom finally finished knitting her scarf and me just listening to the two of them talk in circles for like 5 hours they finally sorted it out.

Yet this time when I open my eyes, I just see them standing in front of me and mom holding a shoebox like they really need to say something, "Uhh, Mom you should give Alex some space, and here." Lorenzo says while handing me the box, " Also we are going to be in the living room if you need us, and Alex just so you know I could see it in his eyes." Arthur quickly says while rushing everyone out of my room and closing my door.

What on earth did he mean by that last sentence, and since when has Arthur become so critical, maybe I have gone insane.

I look down at the Adidas shoe box in my hand, clearly just by the weight I could tell there isn't any shoes in it but definitely something.

I open it and just stare at the what is inside, the sight having me stunned. Letters, hand-written letters, and I know that handwriting well, Max's. Fuck. I suddenly remember his words from that one night "I use to write these awfully worded letters to you, I never got the courage to send them though" This is it, all the letter he have written to me over the years, just by looking at them I can tell some is older than others, some have dates and some don't. I can already feel my heart swelling and I haven't even read the first one yet.

So I pick up the first one and start reading it and as I keep reading the letters I feel myself beginning to cry, but not out of sadness or anger but out of love and appreciation.

The letters
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My Dearest Alexander
I am afraid of you. I'm afraid of what comes over me when I'm around you. I'm afraid of how tempting it is, to ignore my own rationale, of how many excuses I can invent just to be closer to you. I'm afraid of how much I want. Of what I want. If you knew the effect you had on me, how often I think about you, the things I would do for you... I wouldn't stand a chance against you ever again. You would have taken everything from me. My whole heart.My pride. God, my sanity. It would be all over. You would annihilate me.
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